Cancer can kiss my butt...

This Blog has Moved

2011-02-08T18:05:00.000-08:00

I've had many comments from people suggesting we use CaringBridge instead of keeping this blog. I thought about it in the first days, but opted to use this blog because it doesn't have some of the limitations that CaringBridge would have (like limits on photos, etc), and I figured people knew how to "follow" a blog. But, I was wrong. I've had more than one person tell me that they'd prefer to easily be able to sign up for email notifications - that they're more likely to read and stay informed if they have that.

So, although it's possible to do that with a blog...the great folks at CaringBridge have made that much easier and the most important thing to us is that you all are able to easily stay informed on our journey so that you can be there in spirit with us.

So, we won't be posting on this blog anymore, but instead you can find us at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/chrisandjulia. You can sign up for email alerts and drop comments to us there.

We thank you all for your love and support!
Julia (and Chris)

Newpaper Article - a MUST read!!

2011-01-30T05:24:00.000-08:00

The newspaper in my hometown - where Kelsey goes to college - did a nice article on Kelsey and her role in saving Chris's life. Check it out here.

Good News For Me - or - Bad News For My Shirt

2011-01-27T17:06:00.000-08:00

Today I got to visit my oncologist and find out the results of the CT scan done yesterday. Both Julia and I were more than a bit apprehensive because I'd only had two chemo treatments before the cardiac arrest and a one month break from chemo to allow the whole cardiac system to prove it was in good condition again. If I;d have seeen no growth in the tumors I would have been happy and ready to proceed with a full regimen on the new chemo drugs.

Well, the news came back better than we or the doctor expected. The tumor that caused the thickening of the colon wall had almost completely receded and the other colon sites had gotten smaller. The tumors in the liver all look to have gotten smaller; the largest two of which went from a bit over 2.1 inches (5.5 cm) to 1.8 inches (4.7 cm) and 3.8 cm to 3.3 cm. Some of the nine or so tumors in the liver are close to blood vessels in the liver, so they are not good candidates for radiation or surgery, so this is a very good development.

On the negative side, because of the cardiac arrest, I can't use the drugs that gave me those wonderful results. We are hoping the new drugs I just took (5 hours of intravenous chemo - fun, fun) will give similar results. If it does not, we will look at getting cardiology involved in the treatment and finding medicine that may allow me to restart the old drugs. My thought is that at least we have something that we know works very well. It may take some doing to use it again if it is necessary, but it's nice to know something works.

After the chemo treatment today, which ended about one and a half hours ago, I'm feeling a bit light headed, a bit like nausea is coming on (I just took a pill for that) and a bit tired. All expected side effects. The nasty rash and hair loss can be expected around day seven. It's nice to have something to look forward to! Oh boy...

When I got home and stood after getting out of the car, I felt cold wetness on my chest around my port. I thought "Oh, damn...", knowing I'd been bleeding from the spot where the needle had been. A quick call to the clinic assured me it could not be from the port itself, which is connected to a main vein going to the heart, so a bit of pressure was all it took to stop the bleeding. My shirt, one that is old and has a small hole in it, was not so lucky. It had to be put down and tossed into the garbage. I'm including in this blog entry the last picture of me in the shirt. The coat, fortunately, can be washed.

Take care and as always, thanks for your kind thoughts and support.

Pressing Forward - or - What Next?

2011-01-23T17:36:00.000-08:00

This week is like a restart, a do-over, new beginning. I'm having a scan again on Wednesday the 26th. On the morning of the 27th we will find out if the cancer has progressed after my two previous chemo treatments and a month with no treatments. This will give us all our first look at how fast this cancer is progressing. After the consult I'll have my first chemo with the new cocktail of drugs that afternoon.

That change in drugs brings a change in side effects. On the positive side, I will no longer have a sensitivity to cold. With the current temperature of 5 degrees, that is a very good change! I also probably won't have heart problems, but I think one of the medicines does have a slight risk some heart related problems. I will also lose my hair, but that doesn't bother me. I did shave my head for years, after all. On the negative side, I have a very good chance of getting a rash that can, in some people, be painful / bothersome. I also will probably experience more nausea than with the previous treatment. I'm not thrilled about that either. We'll see how I react to these drugs.

It has been a busy week here though. This weekend I had a Jr. High school lock-in at church that went quite well. Earlier this week I started teaching a Stats class at Cardinal Stritch University. The next class will be Tuesday night. I expect to be recovered and rested by then. And we started working on the old rental house - one room painted, lots to go! Things are going to stay busy with the old house, possible sale and moving from this house, and teaching on Tuesday nights for the next five weeks. That, and I am still looking for a job. Busy, busy.

Thanks again for all the positive thoughts and encouraging words. It has been very comforting and encouraging.

Stress Testing - or - The Cardiac Loose Ends

2011-01-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I posted, mostly because there isn't much news, even though there has been activity. Yesterday I went in and had a cardiac stress test, something I had always wanted to do since seeing people on TV hooked up to machines monitoring everything, breathing through a tube, and running on a treadmill. That should show you if anything is wrong with your heart! In my case, this is part of the post cardiac arrest clean-up; making sure I'm ok from a cardiologist's perspective. The two nurse / technitions administering the test said I did very well, much better than they expected from a cancer patient who just had a coronary. For me, it validates the "I'm feeling just fine" that I've been telling everyone.

I have been exercising at Mayo's cardiac rehab center. It is tightly monitored, all cardio for me for now, and not very fun or engaging. I'd prefer the Healthy Living Center gym much more. But I go to the cardiac rehab center and do 20 minutes or so on a bike. I am, I believe, the only recovering cardiac patient with virtually no heart disease, the only one close to an ideal weight, and probably one of the youngest people there. An interesting place that I won't miss much at all.

I go in and see the cardiologist on Feb 1st. I'm hoping I'll get a green light to proceed with anything else I want to do in terms of exercise and activity. We shall see.

I have a scan on the 26th, and my next chemo appointment on the 27th. I am bit apprehensive about both the side effects of the new cocktail of drugs and the length of time between chemo treatments and what that means for tumor growth. The latter we shall see with the scan, the former with the few days after the 27th.

Still, it is all pretty good. I'm enjoying my free time as much as I can. I finished grading one classes finals and am getting ready to teach a second class at Cardinal Stritch University, this one a Stats 1 class (the last was Finite Math - a prep for Stats 1). And I'm going up to the cities to play in a chess league match and hang around at coffee houses where the baristas and most customers have unnatural hair color, multiple body piercings, and really cool tattoos. My idea of a nice afternoon!

You have a good time as well,
Chris (and Julia)

Just checking in...

2011-01-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

Many of you have said you're following the blog (thank you) and were wondering what's up since the last post. We didn't really have much to report, but yesterday we finally learned when Chris will start chemo back up again. January 27th is the day.

Here's what we know right now. He'll have another scan the day before he starts chemo again. We'll review the results of that with the oncology people on the 27th before the chemo appointment. Hopefully we'll see little to no progression in the cancer with this "chemo holiday" and if we're really lucky we'll maybe see some shrinkage (which is what I'm focusing my energy on as an outcome). It would be great if that cardiac arrest were worth it in some small way! :)

The next round of chemo will be CPT-11 and Erbitux. With this combo Chris will probably start looking more like a chemo patient than the handsome man we all know and love. Sadly, he'll probably feel more like one too.

He's going to lose his hair which is no big deal, but I'm worried about my drains. I mean, really, has anyone looked at my thinning hair lately? I don't know how much more hair my drains can take! Better get more draino! :)

He will also get an acne-like rash that can sometimes be painful and pustule-like. YUK! Sounds like he'll look like he's in full-blown puberty!! He will also likely experience fatigue and even malaise...sounding more like a teenager all the time! haha! I always wondered what he was like during those turbulent teen years... Sorry, Chris, but you know I love to have fun at your expense :)

Oh and don't forget about the standard nausea, diarrhea, constipation, and myriad of other wonderful side effects. But that's the price we pay to get him back to cancer-free, and in the grand scheme of things, I think it's a small price to pay.

In the mean-time, I'm enjoying the fact that he's feeling good right now because he's not doing chemo. Since we have no control over that...it makes sense to enjoy it while we can, right? I'm learning to just take one day at a time and not think too far down the "what-if" road. None of that matters as much as today matters. So, today, I'm happy that he's feeling good.

Thank you all for your continued care, concern, and support. We are very fortunate to have so many friends, the outpouring of love from you all has overwhelmed us.

Julia (and Chris)

Cardiac Aftermath -or- Chemo Part Deux

2011-01-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

Julia and I went to see the oncologist today. I learned that in all the years Mindy, the oncology nurse for Dr. Banck, has been doing this, I was the first sudden cardiac arrest. Not a great distinction, but unique. The drug that caused it all, 5 FU (also known as Fluorouracil) is no longer going to be part of my treatment. If the odds of a cardiac event were pretty much independent, like the odds of winning the lottery, I'd be happy to stay on the drug cocktail. The only real side effect (aside from the heart attack) was fatigue for a day or so. Not too bad. And it is the most effective treatment. But alas, I would have a high chance of another cardiac event of some type.

5 FU drug.

So, the new chemo will start in three weeks, after the heart medicine has left my system and I'll be ready to stress my body again. The two concerns I have are how much the cancer might grow with a month off from chemo (Probably not so much. It had been around quite a while before it was detected, and I did get two treatments in before all hell broke loose.), and how much less effective this second or third line of chemo drugs are compared to the first choice. We shall see.

I will have different side effects. They include a potentially painful rash about the face and upper torso, nausea, and general weakness. Hair loss will happen as well with the new regimen of drugs, but I really do not care that much about that one. I will lose the sensitivity to cold. That will be NICE up here.

So, the new chemo starts on roughly Jan 28th to Feb 4th. We do that for two months (every other week) then rescan to tell how effective the treatment is. I'll of course post results and thoughts.

I see the folks at cardiac rehab tomorrow for an evaluation and exercise. I expect the exercise they will allow me to do would be much less strenuous than the exercises I am used to doing. While I've lost about 30 pounds, I think maybe as much as half is muscle mass. I don't know if I could do sets of 225 at the bench press anymore. As they give me permission, I will continue to work out and stay as strong as I can. I can't help but believe that aids in both recovery and beating cancer.

Take care and thanks for the good wishes. It has been very appreciated.

Chris (and Julia)

Good riddins 2010 - hello 2011!

2011-01-01T09:29:00.000-08:00

Ok, sorry...i know it's been since Tuesday - it's been a busy week!!! Chris came home on Thursday a little battered and bruised, but otherwise in pretty good shape. He gave me permission to post this picture.

If you look closely, you'll see bruises in his right arm, that's where he tore some IV's out while in the ER. He was basically unconscious and it was his drive to survive that made him a bit combative. You can also see the burn marks on his chest where the Automatic Defibrillator shocked him several times. And the bruises in his belly are from shots of heparin.

Once they got him up into the ICU they had to shock him again. This time they had him hooked to the machine that recorded the event. I snapped a picture of it...just in case he wasn't going to believe me later on about what happened to him :)

And this is a picture of the ICU room in the cardiac care unit where he was for the first two days. He doesn't remember this room at all, but I will never forget it and all the amazing nurses and doctors and other staff that work there. Those people are incredible!

His memory is MUCH better now. I think he's probably almost all better in that respect too, for which I'm incredibly grateful. It was very unnerving to go through a whole day with him only to have him not remember ANY of it the next day - and that happened 3 days!

I've always tried to look for the bright side and lessons learned in any event. So, for me the bright side in this event was that for 4 days I didn't even think about cancer. It was a nice break! My lesson learned, one that I think this whole medical odyssey is teaching me, is to live more in the present. Appreciate and enjoy all the blessings in my life that are with me today and not worry so much about what the future brings.

So, as we begin a new year I look forward with optimism, but am resolved to live for today and appreciate all the wonderful people in our lives. Yes, that's YOU! Thank you for all your love and support.

Julia (and Chris)

Sh*t my husband says...with short term memory loss

2010-12-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

So today is a much better day and I will embrace all the good things I can! Chris is much more alert today and his memory is better, but not completely there yet. His long-term memory seems intact, but his short term memory is still failing a bit. They say this can just be an effect of the trauma and the lack of oxygen to his brain during the cardiac arrest so I'm focused on tomorrow being an improvement over today. They are going to do a brain MRI tonight or tomorrow to check it out along with some hand tremors he has.

One thing that is completely intact is his humor! As I mentioned in yesterday's post, it was a bit like living the same 10 minutes over and over. He had absolutely no ability to create new memories so he'd ask how he got here or where he was and we'd tell him, and then 5 or 10 minutes later he'd be asking the same thing. But, this is Chris we're talking about...Mr. Sense of Humor! I think even though he didn't remember anything somewhere deep down inside his subconscious he knew he needed to make us laugh. And laugh we did. We laughed so much that at some point his daughter, Julia, and I decided we had to start writing some of it down. I knew I would only post this if I felt his memory issues would be a distant memory for us in the future, and I am confident that's just what it will be. So, here's some of the funny stuff he said yesterday...a day he does not remember at all and a day I will never forget but wish I could.

He frequently would look at me with great concern and say something like "Where am I?" or "How did I get here?" Sometimes I would respond with "Do you know why you are here?" so that I could test where his memory was at. Here are some of his answers:

"I'm pregnant" - to which we all had a good laugh trying to figure out who the father was.
"I'm interviewing to be the director of the hospital here."

Sometimes when he'd ask where he was or what he was doing here, I would tell him that one of the chemo drugs caused him to have a cardiac arrest and explain the whole story about Kelsey doing CPR and his heart getting shocked by the paramedics. He frequently would look at me and say "I got paddled?" with an evil grin. Childish kiddie humor, I know - but that's our Chris!

Another time he said "They did the paddles? Wow, I'm just checking off all my hospital bucket list items aren't I?"

One time when I told him about the CPR by Kelsey he said "I preferred the paddling!"

Some of his reactions to her saving his life are:
"OH...that was nice of her."
"Oh great, now I owe her..." (with a cheesy grin and sarcastic tone)

When he looked at the tape on his hand that covered one of his IVs he said "this looks like overdone chicken"

Some of his reactions to being told he'd had heart attack:
"so I coded? cool! Did they said 'CLEAR'?" (He watches House too much!)
"Heart attacks that don't kill you are the best kind to have."

Out of the blue he looked at the TV and said "oh that's a tv!" I said "as opposed to what?" he said "Scrap metal"

Some other random things he said:
"Are we in St. Mary's? I just didn't want any of those Methodists working on me!"
"I think you two are having more fun than I am" (when writing this stuff down and laughing)
"Were they able to alleviate my symptoms?" I asked "What symptoms?" he responded "Laying in bed."

"I wonder how long this procedure will take?" (Most of the day yesterday he assumed he was in the hospital due to his cancer.)
The best one, I think, was this little red light that emanated from his finger where they had the pulsox attached. He would look at it over and over - usually followed with the question of why am I here - and then one time he held it out as in the movie ET and said in a very ETish voice "Elllllliiiiiooooooooot!" And anyone who's seen the movie will know exactly what I mean!

Just a little speed bump on the road to cancer freedom

2010-12-27T13:54:00.000-08:00

Chris's second round of chemo has not gone quite as well as the first! He had chemo on Thursday. Everything seemed pretty much like the last time with two exceptions. Last time he had EXTREME fatigue to the point where he could hardly get out of bed for over 24 hours. This time, he was able to be up and interact with us more than last time - he didn't have the fatigue. I found out today that is because they reduced the amount of the 5FU drug that he gets in his chemo - which is what was causing the fatigue.

The other difference was that this time he had some chest tightening and difficulty breathing on Friday night. I know...classic symptoms, right? Well when you're in chemo everything is different. He'd had tightening in other muscles, like his jaw and his extremities, so we both thought it was just yet another symptom. By Saturday, he was feeling a little better and able to enjoy Christmas dinner with us. He slept better on Saturday night too. So, imagine my shock when he got up on Sunday morning, took the dog for a walk, and then came back in and laid on the couch where he had a heart attack out of the blue.

Elise and my mom were upstairs with me when it happened. It looked like a seizure to us at first. Elise was VERY quick in thinking to run downstairs and get Kelsey who is CPR certified because she's in her senior year doing her nursing degree. How fortunate we are that Elise was so quick on her feet and that Kelsey was here to save his life. She sprang into action, she knew all the right things to do, and she kept his heart pumping until the first policeman arrived who brought with him an AED (automated external defibrillator). They put it on his chest and the machine said "Shock Advised, stand clear!"

It was all very frightening to watch. Kelsey was so calm under the pressure while I crumbled watching my husband helpless on the floor turning crimson, then purple, and then ashen white. I stood in shock and disbelief as I thought I was watching my husband die right there on my living room floor.

They got him off the ventilator last night, but he still wasn't conscious when I went home to bed. When I came in this morning, he was alert but I learned quickly that his short term memory is gone. They say it's pretty common and not to worry yet. It's pretty hard not to worry when you're living the movie Groundhog Day. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's very funny. Bill Murray as a TV reporter re-living Groundhog's day over and over and over again. Every 10-15 minutes Chris would wake up and look at me with such surprise in his eyes and say "where am I?" or "Am I in the hospital?" or some other comment like that. The first few times I'd tell him what happened and he'd say "I had a heart attack?" It was the same thing over and over. It still is, but the girls and I have found little ways to get a laugh out of it. Sometimes he'd ask what he's doing here and i would say "What do you remember?" or "Do you know why you're here?" Most often he'll respond with something that indicates he thinks he's here for some procedure that has to do with the cancer. But the best response we've gotten so far was "I'm pregnant!" We had a good laugh trying to figure out who the father is!!!

So, you can see he hasn't lost his sense of humor so his brain must not have been deprived of oxygen for very long because wit like his requires lots of fuel! His long term memory is also good. He was able to tell us what month and year it is, although he wasn't sure of the day...but hey...he just lost an entire day so who can blame him for that?

One other funny thing I have to tell you about before I sign off. When I got home last night Kaden (my 4 1/2 year old grandson) kept talking about Papa's soldiers. Chris is "Papa" to Kaden, just in case you're wondering. Everyone thought he meant all the police and paramedics that came were his soldiers, but we kept Kaden downstairs and he never saw any of it. Papa's soldiers - what the heck! Well, we finally figured it out when Kelsey retold the events from her point of view and told how Elise barged into their bedroom and said Chris was having a seizure! Seizure = Soldiers!!!

So, we're on the road to recovery now. I am keeping a positive outlook that his memory will repair itself and he'll be back to normal in no time. I'm thinking they probably won't be giving him the 5FU drug anymore, so maybe we'll be trying a new cocktail for the next chemo. Who knows? The only thing that's certain now in our life is uncertainty...

Thank you all again for your well wishes, it's so meaningful to us - even if he can't remember them right now! :)

Julia (and Chris)

Post Christmas hospital blues

2010-12-26T11:21:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to update everyone. Please send positive energy our way. Chris had a heart attack this morning. I am thankful for my daughter Elise who immediately ran and got my other daughter Kelsey who is a senior doing her nursing degree and consequently is CPR certified. She started CPR and I called 911. Lots of shocks and an angiogram later and all we know is that this was probably a side effect of one of the chemo drugs he's on. More later. I just wanted to send out a call for positive energy!

The Big C...(Christmas)

2010-12-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. Or, at least, I used to love Christmas. This year, has been different - understandably so. When everyone else was running around in holiday cheer, I was trying to figure out what there is to be cheerful about.

And then a couple of days ago someone asked me why I even celebrate Christmas. I am Unitarian Universalist (a group that does generally celebrate Christmas), but this person has talked to me many times before about my spiritual beliefs and she knows that many of my beliefs are based in Buddhism. So - the question didn't surprise me much since I'm sure she doesn't have a good understanding of what being UU is all about as it relates to Christmas. I could have told her that Unitarian Universalism was founded in Judeo-Christian traditions and left it at that, but that wouldn't have answered her specific question.

I'm grateful, however for the question - it was an unknowing gift from her to me - because in answering the question, I reclaimed my joy of Christmas. My answer was simply that I love to celebrate the man Jesus was because of the ideals for which he stood. I try to live my life by the simple lessons he taught. It's all about love. Every lesson he taught was founded in the concept of love. Gratitude comes from a place of love. Compassion (a very Buddhist concept) is all founded in love. Charity...springs from love. Kindness...comes from love. The first "tenet" of my UU faith is a "belief in the inherent dignity and worth of every human being" - this, too, is based in love. You can see Jesus's message, and indeed the message of so many great leaders, is based in love.

So, as I endeavor to practice mindfulness while Chris and I journey this new path set before us, I must remember to hold on to these concepts and not allow the cancer to rule my life. I must mindfully focus my thoughts to the positive, and what more joyous way to do that than to celebrate Christmas and all the love that surrounds us each and every day.

Speaking of that. Chris has been amazing. He's teaching me many lessons already on this journey, from his consistent "it is what it is" mentality and resolve to do whatever it takes to beat this thing, to his humor that has not waned one iota during the past month. He has a fantastic attitude, and the quiet strength I always loved about him will carry us both through this.

Buddha said "All that we are is the result of what we have thought." It's a good thing Chris's thoughts are focused on beating this and not wallowing in it. There's lesson number one he's taught me. No wallowing! I think I was headed there, but my friend's innocent question and my husbands quiet resolve helped me focus my spirit to where it needs to be.

Just a quick update for those of you who don't come here to read my musings, but want status updates on Chris...he had his second round of chemo yesterday. Everything went well. Some of the side effects that he felt the first time around have this time come a little quicker and stronger. Most notably the cold sensitivity. For any of you that know Chris, you know he has a real sweet tooth. So, to see him try an ice cream sandwich yesterday and then throw most of it away, you know it must be seriously annoying! :) He said he could hardly taste it, and it just made his mouth tingle. Last time, he was still able to eat cold things - not this time around. He even had to drink his milk warm. Fortunately, that side effect is just annoying. I hope he avoids the nausea again this time around.

Well, it's snowing again. On his first chemo weekend we had a massive snowfall of about 18 inches. I snow blowed for hours. This snowfall is expected to be only about 3-5 inches. I can handle that with my eyes closed! Actually, I can't wait to get out in it and start blowing it :)

I wish you all a very merry and blessed Christmas!

Namaste.
Julia (and Chris)

A busy week - or - Chemo for Christmas

2010-12-21T06:03:00.000-08:00

I now know how I reacted to the first chemo treatment, and am wondering if the same thing will happen this time. I expect it will not be that different, though it may be a bit better. With treatments every two weeks or so, I'm finding only about a day and a half of being really out of it. Fortunately for me it is more fatigue than nausea. Sleeping is the easiest was to push through the ill effects!

Last time I had chemo on Friday and felt fine. I had the pump hooked up when I left, continuing treatment for another 48 hours. Saturday I felt ok as well. Maybe a bit tired, but no big deal. It was the day of the snow storm, and I was out snowblowing and driving around. No problems, but I did probably overexert. That won't happen this time, and that may make things better this time. Sunday I was out of it - major fatigue. I spent most of the day in bed, on the sofa, trying to be part of things, but generally failing.

Monday was a somewhat groggy day, but much better. Tuesday was the first day I drove around, and things kept getting better each day.

So, this week I pick up my daughter Julia tomorrow the 22nd. On the 23rd I will have my second chemo treatment. My in-laws arrive on the 24th, with more friends and family coming for dinner on Christmas. But if the pattern holds, the 25th is the day I'll be most out of it - in bed and totally fatigued. Oh well... It will still be a great party, and I'll enjoy what I can of it!

This cycle should repeat every two weeks or so. After six treatments, in mid-February, we will rescan and see if the tumors have gotten bigger, smaller, or stayed the same. Then we discuss the next steps. I may not have much to post until then. Of course if there is news I will share it with friends and family through phone calls and this blog.

And I want to thank everyone for the offers of assistance over the last weeks. It seems like everyone likes to snowblow! Rest assured we will take people up on their kind offers when we need help.

Happy Holidays!
Chris and Julia

The New Normal

2010-12-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

As you may have already read, Chris had his first chemo treatment on Friday afternoon. They pumped oodles of poison into him, and then sent him home with a pump and a bag of more poison to be delivered over the following 48 hours. Not fun! He tolerated it all pretty well...until today. The side effects they warned us about hit him pretty hard. He had a little nausea, but mostly he's had extreme fatigue and no appetite. He's pretty much spent the day in bed.

And what a day it was! We had quite a storm roll through the region Saturday that dumped somewhere between 16-20 inches of the white stuff on us. It was my turn today to repay Chris for all his wonderful care he gave me when I had my hip replaced last year. And thankful I am today that I had it done last year, it made 4 hours of snowblowing do-able!

At a time when I feel so helpless with no control over this situation, being able to get out and do the snowblowing so that Chris could stay in bed helped me to feel a little more in control, even if it was a false sense of control, it was nice for a little while.

The best part of the day was when I got to remove the pump of poison from his chest. He is no longer tethered to the fanny pack, and I'm sure he will bounce back to normal in the next day or two. Normal...there's an interesting word. I think this is the new normal for us for a while. He's going to feel crappy for a day or two after each treatment, and we will adjust accordingly. I just wish Mother Nature could adjust accordingly as well! :)

Cancer sucks, but Chris is amazing...his courage through all this is inspiring. And you all are amazing, and I thank you all for your love, support, unsolicited hugs, and healing thoughts and prayers.

Julia (and Chris)

The first Chermo treatment - or - "If You Poison Us, Do We Not Die?"

2010-12-11T06:40:00.000-08:00

The quote in the title of this blog, from The Merchant of Venice, addresses something I've heard a number of times in the last few weeks about chemo. Yes, the cocktail of drugs given in any chemo therapy contains mainly poison, but it's really not as bad as that sounds. While doctors cannot yet give a drug that can distinguish healthy cells from cancer cells, they can give toxins that do much less harm to mature cells, but target recently divided early development cells. And that is what most cancer cells do all the time. Unfortunately some other cells do that as well, leading to the well known side effects. Hair cells are constantly growing (baldness, no biggie for me if it happens, though they say this regiment of drugs does not generally do that), some stomach and intestinal cells are constantly regenerating (nausea), bone marrow constantly makes blood cells (anemia and fatigue), to name a few. What really dies in the poison of chemo, or what should die, are the cells I really don't want!

Well, I'm pleased to say the first treatment went well, or more accurately is going well. I had no bad reactions to the drugs during four hours of instruction and drug administering in the clinic yesterday. I left with a pump that, for 46 hours, will administer one more drug while I go about my 'normal' weekend. A brutal storm is going to make this anything but normal. Events have been canceled already, but we will go get a tree this morning! So far no real nausea or fatigue. No feeling bad, no pain other than the discomfort of the port.

Next time they will be able to administer some drugs more quickly because they do not have to monitor for a reaction or go thru all the education and explanation. The process will be around 2 1/2 hours.

The next treatment is Dec 23rd, so I won't really have much news to report until then. Julia, my daughter, will be up visiting from Texas, so she will get to visit and see some of the whole process. I may make a post between now and then, just to say hello and happy holidays.

Take care, stay warm if you're up north, and enjoy...

Chris and Julia

Getting on to the real treatment - or - I like facebook pokes better than real ones!

2010-12-10T08:08:00.000-08:00

So far this week all the prep work has been done. I've attended a number of educational sessions, something Mayo does really well (like most everything else. If they completely eliminate patient waiting they will be pretty much perfect... but still they are better than most there too). Then Wednesday I had a liver biopsy in three spots. It confirmed the cancer in the liver is the same as the one in the colon. That is good news. Had they been different then treatment and the overall prognosis would have been much rougher. I do like good news!

Yesterday I had a power port put in. I joke that it is my first Borg implant (Borg, for the non-science fiction fans, is a half biological - half mechanical form of life. Nice guys though, if you want to be assimilated into the Borg collective. I'm taking applications now...). That was a rather painful process. Not the procedure itself, but the fact that the anesthesia did not last eighteen hours was a problem. No, really it should not last that long, but I wish it had. The port is the 'central line' Julia posted a picture of earlier, but instead of terminating in some connectors outside the body, mine ends in a plastic / rubber type receptacle under my skin about two or three inches below my right shoulder bone. It will allow them to introduce chemo drugs and take blood samples without sticking me in the arm every time. and it can stay in indefinitely.

So I am ready for my first chemo today! Mike, a good family friend, will be keeping me company for the five hour procedure. I'll also have a book and an iTouch with music, games, and podcasts. It shouldn't be too bad, but I'm looking forward to the future sessions that will run only three hours. This weekend I'll blog about how the session went. I'm curious to see how I react the the chemo. It is not supposed to be as kick-ass as chemo for lung, breast, or pancreatic cancer. I probably won't even lose my hair (at least not more than I already have!)

Take care,
Chris and Julia

Once more into the breach - or - The week ahead

2010-12-06T19:29:00.000-08:00

Today, Monday, is the first weekday in over a week without me seeing a doctor. That won't last long, as I have appointments scheduled for every day for the rest of the week. While I will post an update or two to document how some of these adventures go, I thought I'd set the stage for the upcoming festivities.

Tuesday is full, but pretty painless. I have three educational sessions. One is on care and use of the central line, which I just call a port. It's a very computer-like term. I was wondering today if they could someday install a USB type port into the brain, and we could download information as well as save and share it. But I digress... Another is a session on what you should know about Chemo treatments. And the third is a Q&A session on clinical research. Mayo is always doing research, and I'll avail myself of anything here that may be helpful.

Wednesday they do a liver biopsy. We want to be sure the tumors in the liver are the same as the ones in the colon. Odds are very strong that they are, and that's good. Two different cancers complicate things a great deal.

Thursday they put in the port. That will give a place to administer chemo drugs and take blood samples without jabbing and taxing the arm veins all the time.

And Friday is my first chemo treatment. It should last five hours, but subsequent treatments will only last three hours. I will need to wear a pump that will inject one other chemo drug thru the port for forty eight hours. Should make for an interesting weekend teaching at a church lock-in Saturday night and Sunday morning.

Speaking of that, through the last week I have received so much support, good wishes, prayers, positive thoughts, and caring from family and friends. My condition was announced at church last Sunday and the response was very supportive and welcomed. I am truly greatfull. Thanks again to all.

Chris and Julia

My first blog entry ever - or - Positive Thoughts

2010-12-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

My wonderful wife Julia has updated everyone on the events of this week. It has been one day of news after another. Some has been good, most has not. But today I got the best news yet. The CT scans of my lungs were clear. The nagging cough I've had for a long time is attributable to other things.

There have been visits to lots of doctors, and two days and nights in the hospital this week. Through it all I guess I'm a bit surprised by how positive my attitude has been. I've been told by a number of doctors that this attitude will serve me well through the long treatment process. I hope they are right. I guess the things I feel I'm not good at I can get pretty down on myself for - but the things I'm good at I am confident about. One thing about which I have always been confident (sometimes Julia would say aggravatingly confident about) is my ability to stay well and / or get well. In this case, I'll be doing everything I can to follow my treatment path and get better. I suppose this will be harder than any illness before, but it can be done.

Let me leave you with this for today. One of my favorite comics, thanks to my daughter Julia who inherited my sense of humor, is xkcd. On the day the doctors confirmed cancer the following was posted on xkdc.com. Enjoy the coincidence, if you believe in coincidences (which I really don't).

Chris and Julia

Our First Visit with Oncology

2010-12-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

We met our oncology team today...they were really great. I think I might have to get used to the mannerisms of the nurse, but I really liked the Doctor, she was great.

We got a mix of good and not so good news today, but I'll take any good I can!

First the not-so-good. The liver has several lesions on it...many more than we had thought. To me, it was a bit of a shock to see them all as they showed us the scan. The cancer is also in the lymph nodes around that area, so that's not good either. It is stage 4.

They will do a liver biopsy next week to make sure that the cancer that's in the liver is the same cancer as in the colon and not some other cancer. It makes a difference about what drug combinations if they're different cancers. But odds are that it's all the same cancer.

When they do the liver biopsy, they will also put a central line in just under his skin in the chest which will feed into a vein. This way they won't have to stick a needle in him every time they need to draw blood or give him a chemo treatment.

Last of the not-so-great news, and probably most disconcerting, is that Chris has had a persistent cough for several months now. He saw an ENT about 6 months ago and they gave him prednosone and antibiotics to treat a chronic sinus infection. However, the oncologist had them do a chest scan today on him as well to rule out the possibility that the cancer may also be in his lungs. This is something that never occured to me and was quite shocking to us to consider. We should learn the results of that tomorrow.

Ok, so, let's end this on a high note. The good news is that of all the cancers, colon cancer responds the best to chemo. Over the last couple days we've heard many stories of those who have survived a stage 4 cancer, so there is a lot to be positive about! He gets the central line put in on wednesday of next week and his first chemo is set to start on Friday the 10th.

We remain optomistic and hopeful for the best outcome possible and are grateful to all our family and friends who are so supportive and wonderful. Thank you for your healing energy...keep sending it!

Julia and Chris

Life's a journey...but this could be a rollercoaster!

2010-12-01T20:21:00.000-08:00

It's time to resurrect this old blog with the purpose of keeping our family and friends informed of the latest happenings. Chris and I both recognize that we have a long odyssey ahead of us, and we want our family and friends to be informed, but know how nearly impossible it is to call and email everyone. So, we will both post to this blog as the story progresses. Check back often, or better yet set up an RSS feed on your iGoogle page so that you are notified when a new posting happens.

On Thanksgiving day, 2010, Chris started to feel a mild bloating and pain in his abdomen. It got steadily worse over the weekend and by Sunday he was in pretty substantial pain. He went into his primary care doctor on Monday morning. She ordered a CT scan which he did later that afternoon. He came home and waited for a call...which he got about 3pm. She said they found several masses on his colon and some spots on his liver and she was admitting him to the hospital immediately.

He called me at work to tell me so he came and got me, we packed his stuff and hurried on down to St. Mary's Hospital at Mayo Clinic. We are so very fortunate to have a world-class medical institution in our own back yard!

We got him checked in, and they started poking him with all sorts of needles and tubes, the worst of which was an NG tube (Naso Gastric) to clear his stomach of fluid and pull gasses up. All this was to prep for a colonoscopy the next day (Tuesday). He had the colonoscopy and they took a biopsy and put a stent in to open the blockage.

Today we got the results of the biopsy which confirmed their suspicion that it is indeed cancer. They said there is also swelling around the lymph nodes in that area.

This might sound silly, but one of the most disappointing things was this new diet he has to follow. Because of the stent, there is a risk that material could get caught up in the stent and cause another blockage. So, he has to eat a low residue diet. It's incredibly restrictive, and exactly opposite the new diet I've been following for the last 3 months. He basically can't have anything with fiber. So, no veggies, no fruits, only fruit juice with no pulp. Only soft enriched white bread, soft meats, and limited dairy. Holy Cow! We've been following a whole foods diet with great success over the last few months, so now he'll be doing his thing and I'll be doing mine. Kind of a bummer!

Tomorrow we have an appointment with the oncologist and hope to learn a lot more, like what is the prognosis, what are the treatment options, and maybe get an understanding of what our life will be like in the future.

There's really nothing anyone can do at this point. All we ask is that you send your positive energy and healing thoughts our way. We are keeping our thoughts and discussions positive and are thankful for all the blessings we have in our life. We are grateful for so many friends and thank you for your love and concern.

Julia and Chris

And they call him Sparky

2009-03-07T14:03:00.000-08:00

So, I'm at lunch a week ago with some friends. One is telling us of the new puppy she just adopted, it's half shitzu and half Bischon. My other friend starts telling the table about my Bischon, Rocco, and what a crazy dog he is. While we were on the subject of Bischon's, one of the other friends said a gal she buses with in the morning said they have an old blind Bischon at the humane society, and they were desperately looking for a rescue for him. I mentioned the dog to Chris and we decided to go have a look at him.

Turns out, not only is he old and blind, he's also got cushings disease. He has a tumor on his pituitary. Symptoms: excessive drinking, excessive peeing, excessive eating, thinned out hair, blindness. So, the dog's a real mess. But, I was with him no more than 1 minute and I knew he was coming home with us anyway! He is the sweetest thing, and has the most wonderful disposition...how could I leave him there to be euthanized?

We took him on a foster arrangement so that we could have him checked by a vet and make sure that the disease wasn't too far gone for him. The good news is that the disease is treatable with some fairly expensive medicine. But, it's treatable, and he's ours now. We've had to special order the medicine...so we haven't been able to start him on it. We hope to get it on Monday. Once he's on that, the symptoms should go away, except of course for the blindness. He pees a lot, so at night we have to get up a few times and take him out, and when we're gone during the day we have to kennel him. I can't wait to get him on his medicine so we can stop worrying about the peeing!!!

He makes me smile every day...much of the time because he's bumping into things and looks funny when he walks himself into a corner. But, it's really amazing how well he does for being blind!!!

Here's our guy, Sparky:

It's Oscar time

2009-02-21T19:57:00.000-08:00

It's here! It's here! The Oscar's are tomorrow night. While I've been rudely absent, I am logging my final analysis here before the big night tomorrow night.

We did see the other two Best Picture nominees, Frost/Nixon and The Reader.

Frost/Nixon - I was a tween when this drama unfolded in our nation, yet I knew there was something historical going on in the world. I could tell by the way my parents watched intently, grumbled and growled, and expressed concern, that it was something important. I initially thought how can you make an entire movie about just a set of interviews? But, the screenplay was masterfully written, and the actors were absolutely amazing, especially Frank Langella as Nixon. It turned out to be an insightful and brilliant character study of Nixon. I loved the movie.

The Reader - I went to this movie with trepidation. I knew going in that this wasn't going to be an uplifting movie and had some reservations about seeing a movie where an older woman took advantage of a teenage boy. But once in the movie, I completely lost sight of that aspect. It was such a sad story with profound messages about illiteracy. There is a point in the movie where Hannah Schmitz would rather take sole responsibility to a crime of murdering 300 people (which she wasn't solely responsible for) than reveal that she was illiterate. Kate Winslet was brilliant. This woman had no redeeming qualities, yet Winslet made me feel deep emotions for her.

All in all - great movies this year!!! My pick for best picture is Slumdog Millionaire. My other picks:

Sean Penn - best actor for Milk
Kate Winslet - best actress for The Reader
Heath Ledger - best supporting actor for Dark Knight
Penelope Cruz - best supporting actress for a movie I have yet to see!

I think Slumdog will walk away with a lot of oscars, and I'm hopeful Benjamin Button doesn't!

Another Movie Update

2009-01-25T19:09:00.000-08:00

So the Oscar's were announced this past week, and since they were we've seen 3 movies in 3 days. Yes, we either crazy or have too much time on our hands (or a little of both I fear). Here's our movie viewing so far:

Benjamin Button - Forrest Gump meets ET. I know the academy loves big life-stories like this one, but I am not sure it is worthy of a best picture nod. It was a good movie, but tooooooo long. It is nearly 3 hours long. I liked it, it wasn't a waste of my time, but Brad Pitt's acting left something to be desired. He felt detached and emotionless. I couldn't figure out if it was his character or his acting. But considering the character, I think it was the acting that was flawed. Anyway, don't let that stop you. It's a movie worthy of seeing, just not worthy of an oscar...

Milk - Excellent movie, I just loved it. Even though I knew how it was going to end, I was engaged and felt as though I was living the movement. Personally, I'm glad that we finally have a mainstream effort at illuminating the plight of the GLBT community. This movie goes a long way to shed the light on the injustice that their community has suffered, and continues to suffer.

Slumdog Millionaire - As much as I liked Milk, this movie is my favorite so far of the Best Picture nominees. The cinematography was spectacular, the storytelling fascinating, the characters compelling. An amazing movie with a no-name cast. You've likely not heard of anyone in this movie, but you'll leave not being able to get their characters out of your mind. Go see this movie!!!

I still need to see The Reader and Frost/Nixon before I can make my prediction on best picture. I have lots of other movies to see before February 22nd...so I hope you all don't mind my recaps as they come!

Tell me what you've thought of these movies?

MLK vis-à-vis MiLK

2009-01-19T14:53:00.000-08:00

Two men, worlds apart, gave their lives for a cause so similar, yet by today's standards seen dissimilar. Today, on the holiday commemorating Martin Luther King, Jr., I reflect on another man who also gave his life for his cause, a cause of mirrored reflection to that of the civil rights movement. Both men fought, and made the ultimate sacrifice, so that their people might be freed from hatred borne of ignorance.

Just as MLK fought for the civil rights of African American and all people of color, Harvey Milk fought for the same rights for the unjustly disaffected GLBT community. Both communities suffered the hatred by those who seek to diminish their value in society.

Both causes share the same desire for freedom from prejudice, and entitlement to basic civil rights. The primary difference, at least to society (not to me), is that being born black is not a choice one makes. Unfortunately, too many in our society falsely believe that homosexuality is a choice, a conclusion I could not disagree with more ardent fervor! I firmly believe the origins are biological, and hope someday that modern science will prove this. But, truly, even if it was a choice - why should that matter?

Until that day when GLBT individuals are accepted as an equal member of the fabric of our humanity, I hold little hope that they will attain the equal rights that they deserve. In the same vein, I believe that we will never truly become a post-racial society until there remains not one soul who sees people as any less because of the color of their skin.

However, the fact remains that we (people of all colors) have broken an incredible barrier in the election of Barack Obama. In the past week, I've read several articles that posit the premise that MLK's sacrifice paved the way for Obama's presidency, that without his vigilance and sacrifice, our society would not have been ready to elect a black president.

I don't know if that's true or not, but it does have me wondering what triumph awaits humanity in the fight for GLBT equality? Was Harvey Milk's assassination that codifying event to pave that road? Perhaps now that his story is being told much like MLK's has been told, we can begin to educate and eradicate the ignorance.

So, today I honor Martin Luther King, Jr. for opening so many eyes, and showing the way to create truly meaningful discourse for change. I don't know if Harvey Milk was inspired by MLK, but I hope someday our society honors Harvey Milk as it does MLK!

On the Precipice We Have Hope.

2009-01-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

On the precipice we perch, huddled in hope.

Behind us, prosperity is strewn amid despair.
Fortunes once flaunted, now lamented.
Lives once promising, now lost.
Yet, we have hope...

Our future holds turbulence and challenge.
Uncertainty paints the skies of tomorrow.
Yet, we have hope...

Upon one man's shoulders rests this nation's hope.
A burden so large and impossible.
Yet, we have hope...

Decades ago a great man had a dream.
Today, that dream is alive and this man humbly accepts its challenge.

Yes! We have hope...

*******************************************************************************
Dedicated to Barack Obama in celebration of his inauguration on January 20th, 2009. Let us all celebrate as Barack Obama is sworn into office of this great land.

More Movie Reviews

2009-01-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

If you're in search of Oscar worthy movies, Marley and Me is not one of them. However, it was a cute movie with a meaningful message. If you have younger kids, take them, they'll love it. If you're looking for an escape from heavy, deep, thought provoking movies - this is a good respite. But enough about that one...

I'm here today to rant about Gran Torino. This is a must see, and definitely an Oscar contender. The movie was written by a Minnesotan, and was set in Minnesota until the movie makers changed it to Michigan because Michigan gives a hefty tax break to movie producers! It tells a tale of prejudice and hatred mixed with respect and love. It is the story of colliding cultures that will leave you pondering the state of our world. I knew this was going to be a drama heading into it, so I was quite surprised at how much I laughed. The writing was spectacular. Witty. Hilarious. Thought provoking. Revealing.

I'm still utterly frustrated that we don't have Frost/Nixon, or Milk. I've also heard good things about Slumdog Millionaire, but haven't heard a word about when it will be here. It better be before the Oscars! It's hard to believe we're the third largest city in the state of Minnesota, behind only Minneapolis and St. Paul.

Open Source as a Work/Life Strategy?

2009-01-09T09:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know I don't blog much about work related issues, but this one has been sitting in my juices fermenting and I think I just need to write a bit about it to gain some clarity for myself, and I know I have some tech-heads out there that read my blog who may have interesting input.

Input. I guess that's at the crux of it. Collaboration. Sharing. Growth. Mission. Open Source.

Open source, for my non-techie friends, is I guess a little like recipe sharing. If I develop a recipe for a fabulous chocolate cake with a secret ingredient of tomato sauce, I could do one of two things. I could share it with you, or keep it "secret" and proprietary only for my kitchen and those upon whom I chose to bestow the pleasure of eating it (or am paid for it). People would enjoy my cake when they had the opportunity, but they'd never understand the amazing truth that tomato sauce makes for an amazingly rich chocolate experience.

If, however, I decided to share that recipe with you, you may fiddle with it in your own kitchen and develop an absolutely dreamy orange flavored butter frosting made with blood oranges. The combination of your creation and mine is better together than they are individually. A new product has emerged and we all benefit from the best, most amazing chocolate cake around.

Open source software took some time for people to understand. We have been so ingrained in our proprietary ways and worrying about who gets credit, that we overlooked the truly awesome power of collaboration. Products built with open source are frequently quicker to market, cheaper, and contain brilliance that one person or entity alone could not conceive.

Parlay this concept into non-software areas of life and work and I think you will see why I've been fermenting. I work at a very conservative, risk-averse, institution that is ultra concerned with it's brand and image, and with good reason; we are one of the top medical centers in the world. So, yes, it's something that we should protect. But there's a lesson here that could be learned from the philosophy that underlies open source technologies. Providing something for free, and thereby taking a little more risk, can be incredibly fruitful. But how to do that while still protecting the brand - or better enhancing the brand - that is the challenge.

Our mission is all about the patient. The needs of the patient come first. If we truly believe that (which I believe we do), then taking a more open approach to our way of working to meet that mission should be inherent. It shouldn't take 10 committees and months and months to establish a new concept or idea. We're protective, yes, but to a fault. We're over-protective.

Now, go one step further. How can you employ this same strategy in life? I guess I need to think deeper on this one - maybe another blog posting will result. I have some pretty set philosophies on life - perhaps it's time to upset the apple cart and challenge myself to look at how I can change my life, and that of others, by exploring this concept. After-all, that's why we're here on this ball of dirt...to learn, to grow, to share, and to love.

My favorite time of year - OSCARS!

2009-01-01T11:51:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's that time of year when all the Oscar contenders are trying to make their impression. It's crazy that we go through a severe movie drought every fall and then are deluged with a gazillion movies that want to be remembered come Oscar time.

And, I'm all too happy to oblige them. I try and see as many as I can - but never manage to see them all!

So far I've only seen a couple - Seven Pounds and Valkyrie. THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT...if you haven't seen them and don't want me to screw it up for you - come back to this post after you've seen them.

Valkyrie was a pretty good movie, although I think the story itself is more redeeming than the moviemaking of it. It's the true story of German citizens and soldiers who felt compelled to follow their conscience and dared to oppose Hitler. I don't know if it will get nominated for anything. I liked it - but don't think it was Oscar worthy.

Seven Pounds, on the other hand, was a heart wrenching and beautiful movie. I don't know why it's been panned by the critics, unless they're just not that into themes of introspection and selflessness. I was stunned by the heartbreaking turn of events and the beauty of the main character's gifts to others: The gift of life. He was tortured by his past. His way to redeem himself was to give of himself. Completely. I was balling my eyes out at the selflessness and beauty of his choice, however misguided and tragic it was. I thought it was a beautiful movie in an "Atonement" kind of way and hope it gets a nod from the academy.

That's it for my movie reviews so far...would love to hear your thoughts on these movies if you've seen them...

Baby, baby...

2008-12-30T18:39:00.000-08:00

Twenty years ago today I became a new mother. I was 25 years old, 2000 miles from home, and very insecure.

Today - Kelsey turned 20 and I am 45, at home, and at least a bit less insecure!

I can remember the day she was born as if it was today. I don't know why that is, because it seems I can't even remember what I had for breakfast on most days!

It was a sweet day, full of promise and mystery. The only thing I knew for certain was that things probably wouldn't turn out the way I dreamt they would that day I first held my little baby girl. But, that's ok. Life with Kelsey is a wild ride and I'm glad I'm still around to experience it!

Happy birthday little baby!

Love mom

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-24T12:48:00.001-08:00

Yep. Been too busy to blog. Yep. Crazy time of year. But...had to share this. I was making a special lunch for my team, one of the dishes is my "world famous" lasagna. I cooked up a huge batch of homemade spaghetti sauce, and as we do so often in the cold months, I put it outside in the covered porch to store until the next day when I would assemble the lasagna. But, I wasn't thinking this time because I put the hot pot on our glass patio table...which no longer exists...because...yes...HOT + COLD do not mix! Within a minute we heard a HUGE CRASH. I went and looked, and sure enough, it looked as though someone had been murdered on our porch:

Happy Holidays everyone! Much love to you all...

The Meaning of Trolls...

2008-12-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

Today is my brother's 50th birthday. I am not allowed to celebrate with him, instead today I mourn the loss of this relationship. Everyone has their life stories and life challenges, this challenge in my life story has very much shaped who I am today.

All I ever wanted as a kid, and even as an adult was his love and acceptance. So much of what I did as a younger person revolved around this desire. But the reality of our relationship never turned out to be what I wanted it to be.

I recently reunited with a childhood friend of mine. In preparing for the party, she told her mother that I and my parents would be coming, but not my brother because of a fractured relationship about which she didn't know the details. She told me that her mother's immediate response was how she understood because she thought he was "mean" to me when we were children. Wow, did that hit me like a ton of bricks!

You see, I've never really had any outside validation of the pain I felt due to his behavior, especially not from my parents. They wouldn't acknowledge it, even though I know they saw it. But they were in an impossible position, and I don't fault them for their decisions. When my friend shared this revelation with me, however, I began to cry. In a way, it was like receiving the affirmation I have always desired from my parents.

Now, lest you think I am heaping all the blame on my brother, stop there because I am not. As children, we were both forced into situations that neither of us were equipped to deal with. The love that naturally grows between siblings never had a chance in hell of survival. But once we were adults I thought there was hope. But I made mistakes, and he made mistakes. I tried on several occasions to make amends for my part, hoping he would acknowledge his mistakes as well, but that never came to pass. I was appalled at the way he would twist things, and how mean and hurtful a person he was even as an adult - but truth be told, I hold his wife responsible for much of that behavior.

I fear he is not the type of person who reflects on their actions or does any soul searching, and I am fairly confident that he would be most uncomfortable with admitting any of his mistakes. Based on his past behavior I can also say with confidence that he would never listen to me respectfully or make any attempt to work out our relationship. I sincerely hope that changes some day because I still love him with all my soul.

So, that is the very short version of why I have no relationship with him. But, on today, his 50th birthday, I feel I need to recognize it because this challenge in my life has deeply shaped the way I view my personal relationships. This struggle helped me to learn the value of "family" - or those we choose to care about as family. This struggle has helped me learn to treat all my close relationships with the utmost care and respect. This struggle taught me that when my life is over, all that will matter are those relationships, not how much wealth or junk I have accumulated.

So, why the troll? My brother had a troll collection as a kid that I envied (and that I'm sure I disrespected by playing with without permission). A few years ago we were in a phase where we were still talking, but it was tenuous. On December 10th that year, I was stranded in Copenhagen on my way to Barcelona. I went to the Tivoli market and they had all these wonderful trolls. I bought this little one to give to my brother for his birthday when I got back. However, when I got back the nastiest and most heart-breaking set of events occurred that destroyed any possibility of a relationship - again his wife was at the center of it!

I have not spoken to him since that time. I kept the troll as a reminder of the fragility of our personal relationships, and as a reminder that every relationship is two sided and both parties must be vested in the desire to have a relationship. But it is also a reminder to me that you must have love as the base. I fear I have never truly had his love or acceptance. I have always loved him, and I'm sure that's why I lament this passing of such a monumental birthday and the fact that I can't be a part of it. I also know that if I were called upon to donate a kidney to him, I would be there without question. That's unconditional love, and if he were willing I would be happy to try and work out our differences.

Instead, this little troll reminds me of all the people that I have in my life that do love and accept me, and it reminds me to treat those relationships with the utmost care and love that a person could. I am so fortunate to have so many friends, some of whom have helped to fill this void in my life. Mike and Steve, Tim and Russ, Jon, Jodi, Ahna, Jackie, Bill, mom & dad, my girls, my husband. You all give so much of yourself to me, and I only hope I return it in kind. Thank you for being my family!

May the power of the troll be with you!

They say the memory is the first to go....

2008-11-24T10:14:00.000-08:00

It was a moment of clarity that I will never forget. I'm old! I'm one of those old middle-aged women that I used to snicker at when I was 15. You know the ones...their clothes are out of date, their hairstyle hasn't changed in 10 years, they wear the wrong color-palate make-up for the season, and their bodies don't turn heads anymore!

My moment of clarity came on my 45th birthday last week. I had already been reflecting the fact that I was no longer on the upside of the 40's, instead I would be heading in the downward slide to 50. Half-way through my 40's on my way to 50. I got up the morning of my birthday, my young and beautiful 16 year old daughter was the first to call me and wish me happy-birthday (I was out of town on business). Not long after, my other young and beautiful 19yr old daughter called to do same. It was nice to hear from them and know that I am loved. I went about my business getting ready to meet my colleagues for breakfast. I went to breakfast and made no mention of the fact it was my birthday, I didn't want to acknowledge it really.

And then it happened, my moment of clarity. I went back to my room to fetch something before heading over to the conference for more meetings and I looked in the mirror. Aghast in horror, I saw a woman whose clothes were not hip, whose hairstyle hadn't drastically changed for over a decade, whose body was deplorable...and the makeup?

OH MY GOD...I FORGOT TO PUT ANY ON!

Yes, that was my moment of clarity.

I'm old.

But, as an old friend of mine used to say, it is what it is. I can't change my age, and I certainly don't feel all that old on the inside - at least not how my 15 year old self imagined it would feel. So what if my outside looks it?

This is why my blog address is named as it is. Every moment of (bitter) clarity I've ever had, has been followed by a (sweet) epiphany. Life is a wild ride and I'm sure rarely turns out as people expect it to. I may be frumpy and old, but - as they say - with age comes wisdom, and I think I finally understand the true meaning of this. My life has not turned out as I had planned, but I know enough to value the sweetness of my life and am smart enough to know that my 15 year old self had a lot of learning to do. Every person's life is a journey, and I believe we are measured by the depth and breadth of what we give of ourselves. I have a loving family and great friends who love me without the make-up! I hope that I've given of myself to the extent that they feel no need or want of more, but also know that I'll always be there with more anytime they want for it.

Love, and be loved.

That's all that matters in life.

Nothing else.

(On my birthday - I flew home and we went to dinner.)

Hippo Birdie Two ME!

2008-11-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

Wow! I didn't realize it's been fully two weeks since I posted. Seems like just yesterday...

I'm on the road in Charleston, SC, and headed home tomorrow...November 19th...MY BIRTHDAY! What a crappy thing to have to spend my day in airports. But at least I'll be with the ones I love in time for dinner.

Check back again later...once I'm home and settled, I'm sure I'll be back to blogging...

California: Land of the Fruits and Nuts

2008-11-05T06:37:00.000-08:00

I can call it that. I lived there a good many years in my young adulthood. When time came for me to decide where to raise a family, I couldn't get back to Minnesota fast enough. California has some wonderful things, and I loved living there when I did. But, politically speaking, I was always frustrated by the lack of coherence in policy to any common ideals. I speculated then, and I think am proven right now, that this is due to the fact that California truly is the great melting pot of the US.

California likes to think of itself as a progressive society, leap years ahead of the rest of the country. And, I believe, for the most part the rest of this country believes that to be the case. I, however, believe this to be a false perception.

And on Tuesday they proved my point - much to my dismay! Of the many ballot measures they had, the outcome of two of them in particular speaks volumes about how haphazard and flaky their political psyche really is.

Prop 2: A proposal that would force more humane treatment of farm animals such as egg-laying hens, veal calves and pregnant sows. The measure would force farmers of these animals to provide space for them to fully extend their limbs or wings, stand up, turn around and lie down. It would outlaw cages and crates that prevent those movements.

Prop 8: Would amend the state Constitution to define marriage as only between a man and a woman, thereby outlawing gay marriage and making gay people second class citizens with little to no legal rights in relation to their partner. If one partner becomes terminally ill, the other could be forced out by family members and have no visitation rights, or have a say in the disposition of the estate. This is, of course, just one of many rights the partner has lost.

Prop 2 passed. Prop 8 failed.

Only in California are chickens afforded more respect than a gay couple. Well, at least the gay couple can still extend their limbs now like the protected chickens, calves and sows.

Welcome to the land of the fruits and nuts!!!

Yes We Can

2008-11-05T06:02:00.000-08:00

Whew! It's happened. It's finally happened! This is indeed a great day for our country and I am so proud to be a part of the dawning of a new era. Stand Tall America - this is OUR victory!

YES WE CAN!

Please GO VOTE!

2008-11-04T05:37:00.000-08:00

This is it. Historical. Exciting. Palpitating. I arrived at the polling place 10 minutes before it opened and got in a long line. I stood for 30 minutes, no easy task for me and my bad hips. But it was worth it.

Savor the moment.

Go vote.

The Great Revelation

2008-10-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

I've heard it said that Rush Limbaugh controls the religious base of the Republican Party. He has never been a fan of McCain who is too independent minded. But on one issue, McCain succumbed to Rush's directive. McCain selected Sarah Palin to appease Rush and his right-wing-religious-wingnut base.

Here's my thought for the day...is it possible that Rush sabotaged McCain for his own agenda? Is it possible that Rush wants Obama to win?

Think about it.

It gives him job security.

If McCain had won - with a rational pick for VP - who would care much what Rush says? But if Obama wins - Rush has at least 4 more years to stir the pot and build up his right-wing-religious-wingnut party!

(Post-script - I believe I may have been wrong in calling the right-wing-religious-wingnut group "Neocons" in a previous post. I am not 100% sure now what a neocon is, but it was pointed out to me that it is not what I thought it was. I've done a little digging and all I can really find is that it revolves around this particular group's ideology as it relates to foreign policy. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong - but now I'm in need of a label for this group. For now, i call them "right-wing-religious-wingnuts" - mea culpa!)

What's the word? Tinklenberg

2008-10-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

Michele Bachman is a total loser...Go Minnesota!

This is where the right-wing-religious-wingnuts have brought us

2008-10-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine with deep roots in Israel found this on an Israeli newspaper website - with video from Al-Jazeera (how's that for irony). I don't know about anyone else out there, but I was just sickened and stunned by some of what is shown here. I believe if McCain had gone with his true nature as a moderate republican instead of caving to the extreme right of the GOP party, that we wouldn't be seeing nearly as much of this divisiveness.

I respect the right-wing-religious-wingnuts right to express their views as long as it's not filled with hate-speech and violent-inciting rhetoric. And I support their right to have a party that supports their views...but I do not respect how they've bullied their way into the republican party and virtually taken it over. I used to be a republican (many many years ago). The GOP party used to be the party known for its intellect and common-sense solutions. Now they're quickly becoming known as the party of extremism where they think anyone who doesn't see the world as they do are evil or terrorists. Their agenda is no longer one of fiscal conservatism, but of social and moral conservatism. Fiscal conservatism has taken a back-seat to people who think they are the only "pro-American" people. People's who's agenda is to legislate their morality into everyones lives.

I believe this is the main reason Colin Powell is endorsing Obama. It's not so much an endorsement for Obama as it is against the GOP that has gone astray from it's roots and now only focuses on injecting their personal views on gays, abortion, guns, etc, into everyones life. The GOP used to believe (as McCain still does) that these personal issues should be decided at the personal level. What's right for you isn't necessarily what's right for me.

This is a dangerous path indeed and has pushed me further and further left as time passes...

National Coming Out day - my thoughts

2008-10-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

Today is National Coming Out day, and I'm celebrating how far society has come while simultaneously lamenting how far we have yet to go.

Yesterday after work, my daughter Kaitlyn picked me up from work and we went to a local gathering of GLBT people and supportive people like myself to recognize the the progress that's been made, and discuss the work that's yet to be done.

My best friend is gay. We've known each other since we were in second grade, and since the second grade I've known he was different. Of course once we were in puberty I was able to identify it and understand it better, but no one can tell me that at age 8 it was a choice for him! It wasn't. I get so irate when I hear people making the claim that homosexuality is a choice and they can be "cured" - what a crock! Honestly, if given a choice, don't you think young kids would choose the easier path instead of choosing to live such a difficult path? Being a gay teenage boy in the late 70's and early 80's was a very difficult road indeed.

During the VP debate, and through clenched teeth, Sarah Palin said she's tolerant of gays. Tolerant! But her obvious disdain for them betrayed her.

Here's the message we need to be promoting: Tolerance is just the first step. It's the bottom rung of a ladder we need to climb. People tolerate mosquitos, people tolerate dentistry. Society needs to do more than tolerate, we need to love.

One of the speakers particularily inspired me when she said we need to do more than tolerate, and beyond acceptance we need to celebrate! She inspired me to create this graphic represtation of the path we need to focus our energy. I challenge all of you to love and celebrate our gay brothers and sisters!

The White Canary of our Times

2008-10-10T06:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, in response to a comment I made about what a challenging job the next president was going to face with our economic disaster, a colleague of mine said that actually he thought the future next president was in a pretty good spot because it can't get much worse than it is now...it can only get better.

At first, I thought there was probably some truth to that (and I genuinely hope he is prophetically correct). But last night we went to a volunteer recognition dinner where my daughter was being recognized for her outstanding volunteerism, and something was said there that made me re-think my colleague's hypothesis.

First, you need to know a little bit about the volunteer organization. It is CFR, Community Food Response. They are a local organization who three times a week goes around to various organizations such as restaurants, grocery stores, and school/work cafeteria's and collects food that would otherwise be discarded. They bring it back to their base of operations and repackage it into smaller containers and then open the doors at 5pm and hand it out to hungry families that have signed up for the program.

So, the president of the board said over the last month they've seen a dramatic increase in the need for their services so they are out stumping for more food providers to become part of the network. When he said this, in my minds eye - quite unconsciously - I had an image of a white canary. You know - the ones they sent into the coal mines as an early warning system for toxic gases! When I became aware of the vision in my head, I realized it was my subconscious telling me that this increase in needy people for CFR's food is an early warning sign of things to come.

I've been pondering that image ever since. Is there really no where to go but up? After much thinking and ruminating about it, my gut is telling me no. It could get MUCH MUCH worse.

I'm not an economics genius, but I do remember my Econ and Finance classes from my MBA quite well. What I remember most is how intricately intertwined EVERYTHING is to EVERYTHING when it comes to money. Although I've heard lots of talk about how the credit market seizing would cause unemployment - possibly mass unemployment - I haven't heard much about how our cities' and states' budgets are tied up in the same mess. Fewer loans being made means fewer people being able to afford home ownership. More houses sitting empty and in foreclosure means less revenue for our cities. Besides unemployment - we could see whole cities and states going bankrupt. If Iceland can teeter on the brink of bankruptcy, what makes us think it won't happen all over our country in our municipalities and states?

I am usually a very optimistic person, and indeed, if you read my blog much you know that I have subscribed to the hope mantra of the Obama campaign and do believe if he is elected that there is indeed hope! However, I also believe that things are much graver and more dire than we are being told. Obama gives me hope that the white canaries I see all around us will not wither and die, but instead will not only survive, but emerge stronger and healthier than before. Keep the hope alive!

Peace.

President That One

2008-10-08T06:40:00.001-07:00

Obama clearly won the debate last night on substance, but also on style. McCain is an embarrassment to his profession (and almost to humanity)! I was so embarrassed for him, it made it hard to watch. Presidential he is not. Obama knew just the right way to behave. Every time McCain lied (which was pretty much anytime his mouth was moving), Obana just sat there and flashed his disarming smile. It was almost as if his smile erected a force-field protecting him from all the crap that McCain was spewing.

There were a couple questions that I thought Obama could have answered more clearly, but the overall message and tone from him was far superior than from McCain.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome President "That One" to the podium!

And so it begins...

2008-10-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

All along I've been saying that "maverick" is just another word for foolish risk-taker. McCain takes crazy risks to get what he wants, and it has left him looking desperate, erratic, and sometimes downright stupid. He "postponed" his campaigning so he could charge into Washington and save the day - an obvious political ploy that backfired on him. His selection of Sarah Palin illuminated his risk-taking nature. Prior to her selection, McCain was spending millions on ads denouncing Obama as just a celebrity, but how much did we hear about Obama's celebrity once McCain had created his own celebrity in Palin? But most scary is that she's horribly unqualified to become President and McCain doesn't seem to mind that risk on our behalf (likely because he thinks he's immortal)! McCain has risked his entire bid, and indeed his entire reputation, trying to become President.

So, with less than 30 days to the election, I guess it should come as no surprise to me that McCain's next big risk he's obviously decided to make is to turn up the ugly machine. Elections should be about the issues, and Obama has endeavored to keep the discourse there. But, McCain can't win on the issues - so his last recourse is personal character attacks, and guilt-by-association tactics, as evidenced by Palin's recent charges that Obama pals around with terrorists, and her dredging up of the Reverend Wright crap again (even against McCain's earlier proclamations that this was off limits). Obama will have no option now but to go on the offensive. If he doesn't, it will be swiftboating all over again.

Strap your shit-kicking waders on, because it's gonna get deep and dirty before this is all over.

'Nuff Said!

2008-10-01T05:34:00.001-07:00

A case for being NICE to PALIN!

2008-09-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

Are there do-over's in politics? The luster is quickly fading on Sarah Palin, and although many of us saw this train-wreck coming I don't think that any of us thought it would go this far. I'm talking specifically about the many very conservative journalists who are turning on her. We are a gawker society, and I can't help but gawk at this melt-down with some perverse pleasure!

First, there is Kathleen Parker's article that I read yesterday where she calls for Palin to bow out saying "Only Palin can save McCain, her party, and the country she loves. She can bow out for personal reasons..."

And then there's George Will's latest article - yet another conservative (albeit never a true fan of McCain's), who is questioning McCain and especially his judgement in selecting Palin.

So, this leads me to ask...what would happen if she really did bow out? McCain gets a do-over?

Here's my fear...all those middle of the roaders that have decided to vote for Obama largely because of how McCain's choice has turned out to be so horrendous could reconsider their Obama choice if McCain gets a do-over. If she left the ticket, he'd have the option to be the real maverick he claims to be and select Joe Lieberman - the traitor democrat who's lost all of his senses. Or, in a less maverick-ish move, but probably more logical, he could go for Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee to still appeal to the religious base. The point being that no matter who he picks, he'd be better off than he is now with Palin.

McCain's numbers have been in decline since the post-convention bump. This could be due to his wishy-washy approach to "leadership" (and I use that word lightly here), or his back and forth stance on the bail-out, or any other number of stupid things he's done or said. But, I'd like to say SHUT UP to all these crazy people for picking on Palin and potentially cause her to pick up her marbles and run home. She's the best thing that's happened for us. His selection of her was a clear demonstration of his decision making, and his risk taking personality. Having her on the ticket is a boon to our side, so SHUT UP ALREADY!!!

I'm in Shock and Awe

2008-09-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

Truly, I am in awe. As I rode the shuttle home from work tonight I reflected upon the events of the last two weeks in the world. I read this Thomas Friedman article that I printed for my ride home, and then pondered the state of the world.

And then all the stuff I've been reading about credit default swaps, and mortgage back securities hit me smack in the middle of my forehead. This is big. No, scratch that. This is HUGE. Yes, we all know it's major, but what struck me was the realization that the events of the past few weeks, as well as the current political events, will be written about in history texts for decades, perhaps centuries to come.

So I watch with great amazement, and wonderment...and fear. Never have we, in my lifetime, had so much to lose as I think we do now. This is a game changer, folks. The way our country responds to this crisis will shape future generations to come. I remain hopeful that another "great generation" can be borne from this disaster. With the right leadership (Barack Obama) and the right messaging (innovate, energy independence, regulation on greed), I believe the future for our children can be bright!

On a lighter note - we went up north for a family reunion on my ex-husband's side of the family. I posted some pictures on my facebook, but you can view them here if you don't have a facebook account.

Peace.

It's the ECONOMY, stupid!

2008-09-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

John McCain has been saying the fundamentals of our economy are sound. He's been saying it for months without qualification as to what the "fundamentals" are.

Why hasn't he clarified before now what these fundamentals are? Because we all know what the fundamentals are! They are bank rates, interest rates, mortgage foreclosures, imports and exports, GDP, supply & demand, and all those other markers of economic performance that we learn about in econ 101!

So - the economy took a HUGE fall yesterday - even Greenspan says it's the worst economy he's ever seen...a once in a century event:

But McCain with his decietful and disgraceful campaign methods is trying to turn this onto Obama. Now he qualifies that when he says "fundamentals" what he really is refering to is the workers of America! And therefore, Obama is criticizing the American people. How stupid does he think we are???

I am SO SICK AND TIRED of his lies and manipulation. ENOUGH ALREADY!

Skol, Vikings, Let's Go

2008-09-14T18:35:00.000-07:00

My friend Kim has season tickets to the Vikings, and the person she usually goes with couldn't go. So - I got to be her stand-in. I love the Vikings, I know...it's a sickness....and every year we think it is gonna be The Year! Well, this year isn't looking any better than last year at this point. 0-2 - that sucks. So we lost today, but I had a blast despite the loss.

First, while tailgaiting, we saw Chuck Foreman...he was signing autographs:

How cool is that???

The seats were awesome - I had a great view - except during the first half when we had the "Get-a-freeking-room-people-this-is-a-vikings-game-not-a-love-nest" couple in front of us. I swear - it was nearly x-rated. The girl couldn't keep her hands off her guy. She would have her hands up the back of his shirt, or down the back of his pants everytime they would stand up. When they were seated her hands constantly rubbed his face, ears, ran through his hair. At one point he stood up, she stayed seated and slipped her hand between his legs from the back. From our view she must have had her hand all the way up the front on his crotch because we couldn't even see her arm, just her shoulder and his ass. It was gross actually. They were probably about our age, drunk and smelly, and her boobs were hanging out and her hickey's we showing. I thought I need visual proof for my blog, so I snapped this picture before half-time. I figured I'd get some more when they came back, but mercifully they did not come back after half-time.

the second half of the game would have been nirvana with their absence...had we not LOST THE FREEKING GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway - it was awesome - good conversation, good fun, good time. Thanks Kim!

Celebrity Envy

2008-09-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

John McCain had Celebrity Envy. That's the only reason I can come up with why he would appoint Sarah Palin as his VP. He knew it would shake things up and that was his only hope at drawing larger crowds. I heard on NPR this morning that where he used to draw 100-500 people crowds, with her he's now drawing 5,000-15,000 people crowds.

Who's working the celebrity angle now????? What a hypocrit!

But here's the scariest part. Actuarialy speaking, there's a very good chance that Sarah Palin could become the president should they win the election. Sorry - those are just the facts of life. Look at the obituaries every day and you'll see that far more 70+ year olds appear there than 40+ year olds.

Given how weak her response was last night to Charlie Gibson's question on the Bush Doctrine, I'm scared to death of her being our president. Hell, she didn't even know what the Bush Doctrine was!!! Watch this and see for yourself.

The other thing I can see clear as day is the difference between when she doesn't know how the hell to answer a question as opposed to those where she's been clearly coached. Her whole demeanor changes and her hand gestures change. It's an incredible, yet frightening, spectacle!

So - here's John McCain on the Bush Doctrine.

At least he knows what hell it is! God help us if they win and he subsequently dies in office!

But now - because I don't want to end on a sour note, and I need to start my day of with cheerier thoughts, I will continue to campaign for Obama/Biden and hope the world sees the true Sarah Palin - as shown here:

The FAT Truth

2008-09-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

I'm skinny! Yep! I've been dieting for...ummm...seems like years. Ummmm...errrr...I guess it actually has been years! But, I'm here today to announce to you all that I am skinny.

What?

What's that you're saying?

I have a BMI that puts me in the grossly obese category?

Oh, well, ummm, the issue here is that these BMI calculators don't take into account some very important criteria (like my perception). We should never place our trust in objective measures that don't account for the ever important personal feeling index.

It's obvious to see that your data is incorrect and I am indeed skinny!

What's that?

I still wear a size 18 and have to shop in the plus sizes?

Yeah, but 18 is the new 8, havent' you heard? I'm telling you...I'M SKINNY DAMMIT!

Huh? What's that you say? No, you're wrong, I'm not fat!

I'm skinny.
I'm skinny.
I'm skinny.
I'm skinny.
I'm skinny.
I'm skinny.
I'm skinny!!!

ARGH! How is that possible? You still don't believe me!!!

Wait - I don't understand?!?!

It works for Sarah Palin and John McCain!

They tell lie after lie after lie. They repeat their lies over and over, dress their lies up in pretty clothing and put pretty pink lipstick on them, and turn their little pit bulls lies into pretty Alaskan-beauty-queen-govenor lies. Sooner or later the people they are speaking to just figure it's the truth. That's how stupid they think the American people are, and sadly sometimes are :(

Don't believe me? Read this

(if that link doesn't work - pretty much the same info is here. I noticed today the CBS link is gone, but I hope it comes back so I'm leaving it there)

So, Citizens of the blogosphere, I stand (actually sitting because I'm too fat to stand for long) here before you to tell you I AM SKINNY!

Sarah who?

2008-09-03T18:35:00.001-07:00

Ok, I was thinking about blogging about the wonderful waning days of summer I've been enjoying, but I just can't!

I have to vent...

Who are they kidding? How stupid do they think women are? Do they really think the women who are on the fence will vote for McCain/Palin simply because he picked a running mate with a vagina? How insulting this is to women who were Hillary supporters! Here's a video clip that pretty much sums up how I feel about it all...watch the whole thing, it gets funniest about 1/2 way through.

They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer...to that end, I vowed to watch the entire RNC convention, but here I am 2 days into it, and I fear I don't have the stomach to suffer through the rest. I'm listening to Mitt Romney as I type this and about vomitted when I heard him say that Washington is "too liberal" - is he high?

And what's with all this bullshit about about putting "Country First"???? These people could take a lesson from Obama about taking the high-road. How insulting to the Democrats by insinuating that they don't want to put our country first. Obama has made every effort to make it clear that this election should be about the issues and our differences, not to denegrate one another but it seems that's the only way the GOP knows how to operate and I'm sick and tired of it.

And, poor John McCain - his wife appeared on ABC's "This Week" - and completely embarrased him. Here's a quote that I just couldn't believe when I heard it (in response to Palin's lack of foreign policy experience): "You know, the experience that she comes from is, what she has done in government -- and remember that Alaska is the closest part of our continent to Russia." What the F*&k is that? The first part in blue - well, that's just non-sensical garbage! But the part in red? PUUUULLLLLEEEEZZZZEEEE. Does anyone really think that because geographically her state is near the outskirts of Russia, that this gives her foreign policy experience? This is frighenting, folks!!! View it here.

His decision to select Palin is a clear indication of his decision making process, and illuminates the fact that he's a real risk-taker. I don't know if I'm comfortable with my president being careless with such major decisions. Seems like a pretty big gamble to me!

Lastly, if John McCain were really the "maverick" he wants us all to believe he is, he wouldn't have selected Sarah Palin, he would have picked who he really wanted...Joe Lieberman. Besides a veiled attempt to pull some of those former Hillary supporters, the real reason he selected her was because he caved into the pressure from the religious base that has taken over what used to be a Grand old party. He placated the religious base that Bush allowed to take over the party. The Republicans of today, with their extreme religious base, is nothing like what it used to be 20 years ago. It's sad, really.

All my venting aside, here's the most serious (and scarey) issue of his selection. Even though Palin is on video six weeks ago saying she really doesn't know what the Vice President does, the fact is that a major role of the VP is to take over should something happen to the President. Given McCain's age, it is not inconceivable that he could die in office. Is she really someone who could assume the responsibilities of the presidency???

This is what I call QUALITY TV TIME!

2008-08-27T06:10:00.001-07:00

I know, I know. I've been gone a long time again. You can quit emailing me now... :)

But, seriously, first it was the Olympics keeping me up til wee hours of the night, and now it's the Democratic National Convention. Who has time to blog when you've got stuff like that to watch? I don't think I've ever watched so much TV in such a small amount of time before.

The Olympics were awesome. Watching Michael Phelps made me feel like a little girl again. Many of you know that I am a swimmer. I was a competitive swimmer all through high school and a little into college. Mark Spitz was my inspiration. I was going into third grade that summer and fell madly in love. I had his posters all over my room, and I used to write "Mrs. Julia Spitz" over and over and over in my notebook. Sometimes, I'd get old fashioned and write Mrs. Mark Spitz, but being that it was the middle of the women's rights movement and my mother was a strong woman in her own right, it didn't feel right to write it that way. I never did think, however, of writing "Mrs. Julia Gallagher-Spitz" - so I guess I wasn't all into that feminist movement yet at the tender age of 9, was I?

Anyway - I was hooked. Hooked on swimming. Hooked on tall lanky boys in skimpy bikini swimsuits, with six-pack abs, dark eyes and hair, and gold around their neck! :) So, watching Michael Phelps brought back lots of those girlish memories, except for those silly swimsuits they wear now that cover so much up - who's brilliant idea was that, anyway? They should be shot!!!

After two weeks of being engrossed in that spectacle, I thought I'd finally get my life back to normal. Finish my book. Swim more. Catch up on newspaper reading, which is piling up. Lots of things. Oh, but I forgot about the DNC convention!!! I've been riveted. I TiVo it on MSNBC from 6pm to 1am. I sit and watch all the good stuff, fast forwarding through the crap.

I saw Michele Obama speak in Chicago on May 9th, and I knew then that she'd make a terrific First Lady. Besides being an amazing speaker, I truly feel like she's "one of us" - I'm sorry, but I don't identify in any way shape or form with Cindy McCain!!! But Michele - oh my - she will do our country proud and she showed that again in spades on Monday night.

I was never in the Hillary camp during the primaries, but last night I sincerely saw why she has so many supporters. She did our party proud and made some very salient points. I was very impressed with her speech last night, and she made just the point that she needed to make. It's not about the people, it's about the issues. And if you supported Hillary, then you supported her issues. A supporter of hers voting for McCain is truly an insult to her and everything she stands for because his position on the issues is in direct opposition of what she has fought for all her life. The best way to honor her, is to vote for Obama, pure and simple!

I believe one of the greatest challenges facing us is the global climate crisis. Hillary, Barack, and the rest of the Dem's are keenly aware of this issue and I believe have the better ideas for solving it. I read a Thomas Friedman article recently that says it much better than I. Have a look - he says it much better than I. Let me know what you think - I'm interested in your opinions!!! In the meantime, you'll find me in front of MSNBC on the boob-toob!!!

A letter from the future...

2008-07-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

Date: July 30th, 2108
Post from Earth

Dear Kids,

This week I volunteered to clean out the storage room at my new church. Since I've just moved here and you're still visiting your cousins on Mars, I know you haven't been here yet. But, I recall many lessons in your childhood church which referred to past events of this congregation. Indeed, I know you even learned of their lessons in your high-school history classes. What an impact the events of 100 years ago had on our world today, and now I am knee-deep in that history!

It's truly a privilege to be allowed to sort through old newspaper clippings, guest book logs, and church bulletins that the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church saved over the last 100 years. I even found these large, shiny disc's that I think must be what were called Compact Discs - and a player that plays them. Of course we had to make some modifications to get them to play in the hologram, but the content was remarkable. For a Historian and Restoration Specialist like me, this has been truly an amazing treat.

It's hard to believe that 100 years ago this week, a deranged man walked into this haven and opened fire. Two people died, several injured. It was indeed tragic, and at such a pivotal time in human evolution. It's sad that two people died for a cause that they didn't even know existed yet. Back then, as unfathomable this is today, when people wanted to become martyr's they usually strapped dynamite to their chest and walked into a public place and killed themselves and as many as they could take with them. They killed themselves in the name of a cause. But these two people simply died innocent deaths, one of them heroically throwing himself into the line of fire to protect his fellow spiritual journeymen.

How could they possibly have known that all the attention to their tragic end would serve as a catalyst to bring the world's eye to their little known faith? It started first in the America. People were exposed to the truth and beauty of a faith that is so liberating, so accepting, so empowering. At the same time, a powerful sea of change was taking over the political landscape when the Americans elected their first black president. All eyes were on America.

And America did not disappoint. America once again took a leading role in the world, but this time with humility, not arrogance. With respect, not condescension. With compassion, not hate. With justice, not intolerance and inequity. As our society evolved, we began to see the profound wisdom in the teachings for which Greg McKendry and Linda Kraeger unwittingly martyr'd themselves.

And so, I sit here messaging you today 100 years later, reflecting on the amazing journey our world has taken towards our free world that we enjoy today. Free from the constraints of prejudice. Free from the tyranny of power. Free to take the journey as we individually see fit. Man sits at the precipice of the next evolution. We are finally in an era where we can truly combat disease, repair our ecosystems, and learn our life lessons on our short journey to this world. What a great time to be alive.

I'm looking forward to seeing you for mother Zolitha's 95th birthday next month, I hope she gets back from her hike in the Andes in time for the celebration.

Love, mom

A Hate Crime?

2008-07-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

I'm stunned. Simply stunned.

Yesterday we all heard the news of a gunman who opened fire in a Knoxville Unitarian Universalist church. What a horrendous act.

I am a UU. Let me restate that. I am a PROUD UU.

When I heard the news, of course, there was no information on motive or anything like that. I felt their pain and sorrow as I would had it happened in any other church. But today I heard that it is being investigated as a possible hate crime!

a HATE crime, people!

I'm filled with anger, sorrow, anguish, confusion, the list goes on. Near the top of that list is an overwhelming concern for a faith community I have grown to love.

How do we, as a faith movement, process this?

For those of you unfamiliar with the Unitarian Universalist movement, we are a non-creedal faith community who affirms to support the spiritual journey that each of us faces in this life. Although we don't have a creed, we do have some basic principles:

The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

You can learn about it at http://www.uua.org/, specifically about our principles and about our beliefs.

When I first ventured into my local UU church, I remember reading a brochure that listed these seven principles. The truth is - they had me at #1! As I learned more about this community, I came to understand the profound power of this principle, as well as the other 6. Once I really embraced this movement, discerning the right path for me, and indeed for humanity, became clear. UUism takes the good from all the worlds religions, and leaves the divisive paradigms and dogma's behind.

It's liberating. It's love. It's healing.

So, my mind turns back to the tragedy in Knoxville and my burning question about how to process this as a faith community. How can a faith movement based on love and acceptance of everyone cause people to hate us so much? It's so clear to me that people, no matter what their faith, race, or sexual orientation are people deserving of love and understanding. Why is that so hostile to those less fortunate to know our movement?

We are an interdependent web of existence. We can help heal our sisters and brothers in Knoxville through this interdependency. We must stay strong and hold firm our beliefs. This tragic event must not change who we are, but should serve to strengthen our resolve. I am proud to be a UU, and though I never met the courageous souls who died I feel a kinship with them and am proud to be associated with them.

In this time of shared pain, I fall back on the tenants of my faith and dare to imagine. I dare to imagine a world free of hate and bigotry. I dare to imagine a world filled with love and compassion. I dare. Do you?

My cathartic word vomit

2008-07-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today I read the following letter to the editor in our paper here in Rochester MN:

http://www.postbulletin.com/newsmanager/templates/localnews_story.asp?z=23&a=352151

It made me want to PUKE VIOLENTLY! But then I thought...instead of doing that, I'll do a little word vomit right back at her! Following is the letter I just emailed to the editor. I hope it gets published, but if not, at least I feel somewhat better!

To Lorraine Schuchard of Zumbrota, author of the "Gay marriage hurts children" letter to the editor printed July 16th:

Really? Maybe you should re-think that!

Upon which research studies do you base your opinion? After reading your letter I scoured the internet and scholarly and medical journals, but could find no studies confirming your assertion. Actually, had you bothered to do a little research or even googling, you would have found a plethora of supporting evidence and research that is contrary to your opinion.

Then I wondered if you based your judgment upon any personal experience? I personally know three gay/lesbian families in Rochester raising children and I can sincerely say they are some of the most committed and loving parents of some of the happiest and well-adjusted children I’ve ever met.

What’s most important is that our children are honestly loved! There is ample research to support that a loving home will produce a well-adjusted adult more often than a home filled with hostility and hate. Why are people threatened by an alternate parenting model that produces the desired result? Why are people so obsessed on denying homosexual couples the joys of producing a responsible, caring, and loving citizen for the world? Seems to me this world can use as many of those as we can get no matter who raised them!

Julia Gallagher
Rochester

PS - the original letter I first drafted was much longer and had many more points to it, but then I went online to read that letters to the editor must be 225 words or less! Holy Cow! I know there's a lot more I could have said, but I was trying to make a succinct point...not an easy thing to do!

PPS - I learned today (7/22) that my letter will be published in today's paper!!!

A Special Visitor

2008-07-07T07:04:00.001-07:00

After a delightful evening with new friends over dinner, we cleaned the house and packed our bags to leave the next day for our 4th of July holiday "up north!" Fast asleep, I am suddenly awakened by a deep moaning sound, like a cat in heat.

Chris, my husband who is blind as a bat without his glasses, got up to see what was going on. Our faithful dog, Rocco, followed behind dutifully.

"What is it?" I shouted from the comfort of my bed

"It's Jordi" - our black cat of 12 years. Rocco (a Bischon who thinks he's a Great Dane) started barking like mad as Chris made his way back to bed. I said "Gee, Jordi must be really sick to sound so awful!"

Rocco kept barking, and suddenly a torpedo passed by my side of the bed, into the office adjacent to our bedroom. Up on the bookshelf flew the cat, down came all my frames! What a racket!

Suddenly, this cat is whizzing back to the other side of the bed, literally up the wall and across our heads, over my nightstand, knocking everything down in its wake.

Chris bolted from bed and ran to the kitchen where the cat has now made it's way to a corner. Rocco is continuing to bark. Then, all of the sudden I hear a loud CRRRAAASSSHHHHH, and then another, and another. The next thing I heard was my husband swearing. "Shit!" "Dammit!" and a few other choice ones I shant put in print.

I knew then that it was serious. You see, Chris rarely swears. He's a firm believer that if you want your swearing to mean something, reserve it for those times when it's called for. This was one of those times!

I jumped out of bed and came out to the kitchen. I saw more glass breaking and flying from the pantry out into the kitchen. That's when I realized...this was not our cat! It was a she-devil of a stray who had snuck into the house. And, of course, this stray had to find the one place where the entire top shelf housed the one thing you put up high so it will be safe. Glass. Glass vases, glass platters, glass bowls. If it was fragile, it was up there.

The crashing went on for about 10 minutes. This was one scared cat (or should I say scaredy cat?). Chris tried and tried to get the animal out of there, rescuing a bowl here and there if he could.

Finally, the cat came down and scurried out through the door we had opened for him. Here is what he left behind:

You're first question is - how did the cat get into the house? That's Kaitlyn's doing. She went to sleep over at a friends accross the street, but she figured she may not want to stay as has happened in the past. Since our door chimes when you open it and she wouldn't want to wake us if she came home in the middle of the night, she left her ground level window open to her bedroom, sans screen.

We stayed up until past midnight cleaning up the glass fragments and shards from the floor. We also discovered that the cat was so scared it peed frequently while hurling glass vases at my husband. What a horrible smelly mess.

Oh, yeah, did I mention that our house is on the market and our realtor was planning an open house while we were up north? Gotta love the fortuitous timing, huh?

So, how was your Fourth of July???

Welcome to summer....

2008-06-27T18:51:00.001-07:00

I heard on NPR this morning that the mosquitoes are at a more "normal" level this year.

I have to ask, what could "normal" possibly mean? I mean, c'mon, here in Minnesota we are partly serious when we jokingly say our state bird is the mosquito! So, what could normal mean?

Perhaps it means that this year there aren't enough in a swarm to lift an octogenarian and carry him to his death.

Perhaps it means that I can actually dare to bare some flesh this summer - like maybe I'll uncover my pinky toe!

Perhaps it means I can wear regular perfume instead of Au 'du DEET.

But here's the real question - courtesy of my husband - How do they know what the numbers are? Does someone actually go out there and count them? Is that a job you'd love, Minnesota State Mosquito Counter?

And do they count them by standing bare naked in the woods and then coming back and counting the welts?

Maybe they set up a tent, open the doors for an hour, then zip them and sit in there and count them. Do they tag them with RFID tags like they do with the wolves so that they don't double count them? How do they know they've counted them accurately? I'm horribly concerned about the accuracy of their counting methods. If they're not using proper methods, they're cheery predictions of "normal" levels of mosquitoes this year could all be a load of CRAP! And you know what crap does - it attracts more mosquitoes!

Personally, I think it's all one big conspiracy. Since gas prices are astronomical right now, I think they'll say ANYTHING to get us to travel to the touristy, mosquitoey venues. Beware! This is all just another Bush/Cheney attempt to get us behind the wheels of our big SUV's and RV's in pursuit of an enjoyable summer trip. With that said - Everyone enjoy their holiday weekend. We're leaving tomorrow, in our SUV, on a 6.5 hour drive "up north" to MOSQUITO COUNTRY to enjoy the holiday.

I want to live on Mars

2008-06-25T06:13:00.001-07:00

The other night I attended a public forum on Women in Leadership. It was sponsored by Augsburg College, where I earned my MBA. The two speakers were both from the Rochester community here. The first speaker was Jane Belau, an amazing woman in our community who has been in leadership positions from private business, to community, state, and national leadership positions. The other speaker, Shirley Weis, is the Chief Administrative Officer where I work, Mayo Clinic.

Overall, the evening was engaging and thought-provoking. I truly enjoyed listening to these two women and sharing in their experiences and wisdom. But [and there's always a "but" with me, isn't there?], something has been sticking with me and it's really bothering me. Shirley was talking about how she is the first woman to hold the position she now holds, and indeed I think she's the first to break into that upper echelon (C-level) of administrative management here. She talked about the differences in communication styles between men and women and referenced the book Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus which makes an attempt to explain our gender differences.

Then she turned to a small group of men in the audience and addressed them, bringing up men's style and how men can challenge each other, be spirited, disagree, discuss issues, etc. And then she said "How many of you go home at night after a meeting or interaction that can be charged and think to yourself - 'Oh, I hope Tom isn't mad at me for disagreeing with him' or 'I hope I didn't hurt John's feelings' - etc, etc...

Everyone laughed...everyone. Everyone understood implicitly and intuitively exactly what she was getting at: How silly that was! Silly! Men don't worry about that stuff! Silly. Men aren't concerned with others' feelings in that way - especially if they know they've acted respectfully through their dissent. Silly!

So, here's what stunned me. If we all understand this and know it to be true intuitively...why, oh why do we as women continue? Why can't we have those kinds of exchanges in our work lives?

I don't quite know the answer, but I can relay an uncomfortable experience I had in my job recently that highlights exactly what she was talking about. For whatever reason, I already tend towards the Mars Communication Method! I've always been a straightforward talker...I speak my mind...I will object when I believe it's called for. I will advocate for my team, I will challenge someone when I think their conclusions are faulty.

My spirituality and ethical substance have always guided me to do these things with the utmost respect possible. I always attempt to take great care to be respectful to people when I am disagreeing with them. I know I'm not always successful, especially in my personal life where it's easier to get sloppy, but in my professional life I think I have been pretty good at it. So, recently I was in a situation that called for me to challenge someone's preceptions. I believed, and still believe, that this person was making statements and decisions based on faulty logic and misperceptions of fact. The decision I was asking her to make, and indeed other dowline decisions, would be impacted. I needed to make my case. I did so in a manner that I thought was respectful. Oh, did I mention this person is senior to me in our organization? Did I also mention that she's a she?

To make a very long story short, the next day she basically scolded me like a mother would do, reading me a prepared list of statements, most of which revolved around the fact that she doesn't like to be challenged. She said she felt "attacked" - and that I had made her uncomfortable. I left the meeting feeling pretty low - as if I am now in a position to never disagree with her again for fear of making her feel attacked. Frankly, I think this is her issue. I have reviewed the exchange over and over in my mind and I don't know why she felt attacked other than I was disagreeing with her.

But, she did...and now I want to live on MARS!

I'm back...

2008-06-20T05:30:00.001-07:00

Dear friends. Sorry for the long hiatus. I have had the "blogging blues" of late, but I think it's finally passed. Life can get so hectic and busy and it's easy to lose yourself in it.

I am lost no more. I am found.

There've been so many events since I last blogged, and I missed the opportunity to rant about some amazing political junk. Here's the shorthand of where I've been...

Trip to chicago with my girlfriends (we affectionately call ourselves the "church ladies" because that's where we all met) to a politcal fundraiser. Guest speaker was Valerie Plame - amazing story - and special unnanounced guest was Michelle Obama
Kaitlyn turned 16 on May 22nd. Got her license that day. Dinged up the car pulling out of the garage 3 days later. Over $1000 damage!!
Kaitlyn held her "Koncert for Kenya" to fundraise for her trip to Kenya next month. It was basically a flop...but a very fun flop! We just barely covered our expenses...
Kelsey and Kaitlyn left for Australia to visit their dad the day after the concert, June 8th. They come home today. We've had a wonderful two weeks being mom and dad (Nonna and Papa) to Kaden. He's so much fun. Oh to be 2 again!!!
Through all of that, I continue to be sick with something. I'm on my third round of anti-biotics. I'm hoping to start feeling back to 100% soon!

That's it in a nutshell - just wanted to catch everyone up on my life. I'll be back to my semi-introspective blogging and political ranting soon! I hope I haven't lost you all, and that you'll come back with me on my journey!

I am a verb

2008-04-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

We are taught that human beings are nouns. A person/place/thing. A living object. But a thing; not an action. As the days of my life transpire, and expire, I see in retrospect that we are verbs, not nouns at all. Life is a process of learning, changing, growing, acting. With all those "ing" words, how can we be a noun?

At no other time in my life have I understood this as deeply as I do today. I've had the great priviledge this week to play "mommie" to my beloved grandson whilst Kelsey is on a tour with her college choir. There's something so profound about young children. They have an ability far beyond their years to shape one's perspective on life. Looking at this face, you can't help but see only the good in humans, only the pure and innocent.

I have been so blessed by his presence in my life. He is a gift in every sense of the word. On October 26th, 2005, my then 16 year old daughter told me she was pregnant. What ensued was life changing indeed. Such a major life decision lay ahead and all I could do was guide her and provide support. As she pondered her options, termination/adoption/keep the baby, I pondered what life might be like under each cirmcustance. I made it clear that it had to be her choice. I have always supported abortion rights because I don't believe it's a government's place to be. But inside I was tormented that she may choose to terminate the pregnancy. However, I would support her through whatever choice she made. She choose abortion. She called Planned Parenthood in St. Paul, made an appointment, got the paperwork filled out. Through it all, I tried to be supportive and help her through it.

The day before we were going to take the drive to St. Paul she came to me and said she didn't think she could go through with it. We sat down and talked out her other options. She wanted to keep the baby. To this day, I wonder if she thought it might give her an "in" back with her ex-boyfriend? I don't know, but somewhere along her way to motherhood, my baby grew up. She stood at that fork in the road and made the right decision, and continues to make the right decisions. Kelsey is now enrolled in college, Kaden lives on campus with her in single parent dorms. She's become an amazing mother to Kaden, dare I say a better mother than I was as a new mom.

On May 9th, Kaden will turn 2. Tempus fugit. As I reflect on the last two years, I see this bright glow that he has brought to my life. Spiritually speaking, I believe that before we incarnate here in life, we create a plan for our lives with major life choices to help us learn lessons for spiritual growth. There's no doubt in my mind that this was one of those learning moments from which I have grown so much. And there's no doubt in my mind that Kelsey and I made the right decision. Her, for deciding to keep the baby. Me, for deciding to support her through it. And somewhere deep in my soul I feel a connection to him. I feel as though I've been waiting for him to come and be here with me. I feel as if this were meant to be and that I'm reunited with an old friend. Here's a couple of videos for you to enjoy.

So, although my body is old and broken, being a verb is the only way to enjoy my life with him and all of my precious family. Go be a verb with yours and lavish in every minute of it.

Karma

2008-04-09T19:19:00.000-07:00

My new cyber-friend over at the Skin I'm In posted this cute little karma test. Many of you know that my spiritual beliefs aren't traditional, and I've been thinking a lot lately about blogging about it more. I've been reading many other bloggers and engaging in very interesting dialogue. It's fascinating, really.

Anyway, being that so many of my spiritual beliefs are based in buddhism, I thought I'd take the silly little Karma test. For many of the sections it was obvious what the "right" answer was, but I resisted the temptation to fill in what I wanted my answer to be. I was happy that for the most part I believe I am in balance with my beliefs.

However, I called it a silly little test because to someone who has studied this stuff a little bit it's also a little disappointing. I know it's just for fun and kicks, and that's all I tried to take away from it, but it does distort the concept of Karma somewhat. For one thing, there are four stages of enlightenment in buddhist karmic beliefs - none of them simply called "enlightenment." The concept of Karma is actually a complex matter that can't be boiled down to a simple online test. But - hey - it was just for kicks, right? So, I'm not going to get my undies in a bunch about it, and I'm just going to have fun knowing that some silly little internet test thinks I'm enlightended! HA!

TrueLifeKarma.com - Online Karma Test Click Here!

Julia, Your Karmic Alignment is: Enlightenment!

Score: 25 You have a lot of positive karma, and have good intentions in life. People would normally characterize you with being a kind, sensitive giving person. Remember that by creating positive karma seeds, they will soon blossom. If you work hard enough it is capable to gain enlightenment, and maintain inner peace.

Golf is backwards!

2008-04-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

My 15yr old daughter joined the golf team. Golf, I tell you! I don't know SQUAT about golf! It's not exactly a spectator sport, at least not in my eyes.

Last night she had her first golf meet. In the cold, drizzly, rain. YUCK.

My theory is that it must have something to do with boys. It must give her an "in" with the boys? Beats me - but I can't understand the draw...

We picked her up from the meet and I asked who won? She had no idea. So, I stayed up late to watch the local sports on the news. Century High - 219, Lourdes - 212. Yeah, Century won. I was excited that I could tell her that in the morning.

As we drove to school I completely forgot to tell her. Pulling away from the curb I remembered, so I pulled out my phone and called her:

Kaitlyn: "What? You just dropped me off!"

Me: "I forgot to tell you that your team won last night. 219 to 212"

Kaitlyn: "Oh, AWESOME! Thanks Mom, thanks so much for calling! Thats so great!"

I hung up, and my husband who is a golfer said "Who had the 219?"

"Century! Didn't you hear me? I said they won!"

He looked at me with that look. You know the one. That look like you are the dumbest person on the world and he is hysterically laughing on the inside! I knew right away something was wrong. And then I rememembered it. Golf is backwards!

Me: ring, ring, ring "Kaitlyn!"

Kaitlyn: "Mom - you just called me, now what?"

Me: "I was wrong. I forgot that the higher the score in golf, the worse. I'm sorry honey - you guys lost last night"

Kaitlyn: "Oh My God MOM!"

Click. She hung up.

Teenagers!

A teacher of all people

2008-04-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

Would he be proud of our society today? Would he be discouraged? Would he delight in the impact he had on our country, or lament his time was cut short?

He cried out that he had a glimpse of the "promiseland" - is this it? Are we close? Or do we sadly have miles and miles to go?

On this, the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr's assassination, I pause to honor him, his ideals, and his efforts on behalf of all mankind. I would like to believe if I had been old enough during his time here that I would have marched next to him as a white person. I would like to believe I would have assumed his cause as mine as the right and just thing to do.

But, would I have had the courage? Would you?

Intolerant of Intolerance

2008-03-28T11:54:00.001-07:00

I've had a couple weeks to ruminate over Obama's now famous "Philadelphia" speech. I was home sick that day and saw it live. I knew when I was watching it that it was special, and over the last couple weeks it's been on my mind on and off every day.

It's sad, but true: There is a racial divide in this country. We all know it's there, our society dances around it. The time for pussyfooting around it has finally past. Obama may have had to respond to the Rev. Wright situation, but the speech he gave finally puts it out there. The time for honest dialogue has arrived. Based on the several opinions in various papers I've read over the last two weeks - I'd say the dialogue has started.

I'll leave you with my thoughts about racism. It's our jobs as parents to teach our children that differences skin color, facial features, etc, do not matter. It's what's inside a person, the quality of their character, that truly matters. But, I think my thoughts are best summed up by a song from one of my favorite musicals - South Pacific:

You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught!

Potty Partners?

2008-03-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

OK! Now I've heard it all! Have you heard about "potty partners"? I guess it's the new rage in potty training your toddler.

My daughter called last night to tell me that my fantabulous grandson, who isn't even 2 yet, used the potty at daycare yesterday for the first time! The conversation went like this:

Mama: "Mom! GUESS WHAT!?!?!"

Nonna: "What?"

Mama: "Kaden used the potty at daycare today!"

Nonna: "What?! That crazy, he's not even two!"

Mama: "That's not that young for potty training"

Nonna: "Are you kidding? You were nearly 3 1/2 when you finally started"

Mama: "Kaden has a potty partner, maybe that helped him start earlier"

Nonna: "A POTTY PARTNER? What the heck is that?"

Mama: "It's where they pair a younger toddler with one who is already mostly potty trained. The concept is that they will learn quicker from a peer."

Nonna: "OH MY GOD! They're using peer pressure to get them to use the potty earlier now? What will they think of next?"

Mama: "It's a big deal - you can google it - everyone is doing it, and it really works!"

Nonna: "I guess it does. Maybe I just caught on late - I didn't want a potty partner until I was about 13, and ever since then it seems if I'm with a group of gals we always have to go together!"

************************************************************************************

I'M BACK from the pneumonia and feeling better everyday, and just in time. I'm performing in two concerts this weekend. On Saturday I'm singing with the Rochester Symphony in the Mozart Requiem (one of my favorites!), and then on Sunday the orchestra I play in, the Mayo Chamber Orchestra, is giving their final concert of the season. It's been an incredibly hectic February and March. I've had something going on nearly every night of every week. I'm happily looking forward to no more rehearsals for a while and just relaxing when I come home from work.

Oh, and did I mention we're trying to sell our house? No, we're not leaving Rochester, but I'm tired of having two mortgages and since we haven't been able to sell our other house (a rental), we decided to try and sell the one we built 4 years ago. Here's a link to the listing if you are curious about what my house looks like (or know someone who wants to buy it!)

I've been watching the politics closely with disgust and musing and surprise - all the while ranting quite a bit at home about it. I'm sure once I'm through this weekend, I'll be back to ranting online about it again.

While I was out sick, I've had several emails from friends that I had no idea were even reading my blog! What a nice surprise. Please leave me comments, I love knowing you're reading...

That's it for my catching up blog today. Hopefully I'll be back at it more regularly!

thanks for reading (and commenting!) jg

Under the weather...

2008-03-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been absent of late - first it was a sinus infection, then last week a horrible cough crept up on me. Yesterday the doctor said I had pneumonia! No wonder I felt so crappy.

So - two days at home, barely paying attention to work and emails, and I'm starting to feel back in the land of the living! And to inspire me further in life was this incredible speech I watched on CNN today. I really admire this man...

http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/hisownwords

That's all for now - back to my sick bed - so that I can be completely back in the game tomorrow!

Ferraro's Fiasco

2008-03-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

Who is she fooling? Does she really think we're THAT stupid? I'm referring to the outrageous claim by Geraldine Ferraro that her Obama remarks were not racist. Oh, I'm sure she doesn't think they are - but they are! Therein lies the true challenge in defeating racism in our world today...people don't truly understand that a comment like this is not simply an "observation of fact" as some people would have you believe, or as she would have you believe - a compliment!

For those of you who don't know precisely what she said, here it is: "if Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position."

The insinuation that Obama wouldn't be where he is today if he were not black is an affront to the democratic party, and indeed to all citizens who work so hard for diversity causes and equality. It's also an affront to the man, Obama, who has built a reputation and career based on the quality of his character and conscience and not the color of his skin! Her comments are an attempt to diminish his candidacy by alluding that he is benefiting because of his race. I loved Obama's response, he said the quickest and easiest path to the presidency is certainly NOT being a black man named Barack Obama!

Why, oh why, can't people just look at the man for who he is, regardless of race. Why can't they look at his 20 years of public service, his brilliant ideas for how to restore our country to greatness, his love for this country and it's people. Why can't it be about his ideas and his vision for our future. Why does it have to be about race? I wouldn't be ranting if she'd made a derogatory comment about his policies - but this? Unbelievable!

And, here's the kicker-me-in-the-gut blow that I felt when I heard about it - it came from someone who should know better! I was a huge supporter of hers in the 1984 election. I think I was the only person in all of San Diego County who wore a Mondale/Ferraro shirt and spoke openly of my support for the ticket. Shame on your Geraldine! Would you have taken it as a compliment in 1984 if someone had said the only reason you were where you are was because you were a woman? How ridiculous!

Now, I'm not stupid enough to think that race won't play a role in this years election, it will, I acknowledge that. But people have to resist the urge to judge Obama based on it. I was further incensed when I heard Geraldine trying to explain it away as a compliment to Obama and his race. I'm insulted that she believes we'd fall for that! She is one of Hillary's TOP supporters. Do you honestly think she's going to intentionally say something in support of Hillary's rival??? It just infuriates me that she debases us further by trying to wiggle her way out of it with platitudes and insincerities. Sheesh!

And, for those of you who don't know me - I'm not black, I'm a middle aged, mid-western white mother of 2, and grandmother of 1!

Vote your conscience, not your color!

Ethical Wills...

2008-03-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

A while ago in church our minister's topic was that of "Ethical/Spiritual Wills." What's that, you say? It's actually a pretty neat idea, you can get all sorts of info on the web about them. Basically, it's the act of documenting your ethical and spiritual beliefs - your life's lessons learned - for your descendants.

All of my grandparents are passed, but my dad's parents both passed when I was fairly young, so I didn't get to know them as well as I did my mom's parents, the last of whom passed just two years ago. I carry with me today some of their wisdom passed down from my father, but I have to say I would love it if today I could open a diary and read what was really in their hearts, not just the cute sayings like - my favorite is "Hunger makes a great sauce" (a true child of the depression)!

I may work on one for my children and all their descendants, but for now I just have to ponder some gems from what some infamous people's ethical wills would look like....

Snippets from Anna Nicole Smith's ethical will:

..."Use condoms"

..."Silicone is a wonder drug"

Snippets from Gov. Eliot Spitzer's ethical will:
..."always pay in cash, don't bicker about price, and use a fake name"

Snippets from Michael Jackson's ethical will:
..."Babies can fly, really they can!!!!"

Snippets from Bill Clinton's ethical will:
..."Fight for gender equality, a man can be 'First Lady' too!"

Snippets from Brittany Spears's ethical will:
..."I know I sucked as a mom...get over it!"

Snippets from former Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper's ethical will:
..."Charter your own boat and don't invite your friends!"

Snippets from Pres. Bush's ethical will:
..."a lie, repeated ad nauseam, is the truth"

Snippets from Barry Bonds's ethical will:
..."Do what it takes!"

Think about it...I'll bet you can come up with some gems to pass along!

Demons...

2008-02-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

I have a demon, I know not it's name.
It burns from deep within, in crevasses I loathe to explore.
So deep is this demon, I fear I may never exorcise it.
Years and years of this demon have worn me down.
Weary am I from the battle.

I once kept a list of "15 rules" by author Charles Sykes - Rule number one keeps ruminating in my brain: "Life's not fair, get used to it!" He had a whole list of "rules" that I adore. However, every time I see a skinny person eating what they want, whenever they want, however much they want, I chant that little ditty in my brain.

Life's not fair,

Life's not fair,

Life's not fair!

It's not fair that I simply look at fattening food and gain weight. It's not fair that some skinny people don't have to work at being skinny no matter what they eat. I'm tired of hating my body. I'm tired of battling this demon. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of hating myself every time I fall off the diet wagon.

Life's not fair! I guess I just better get used to it...and battle on...

Papa's Passion...Nonna's Nightmare!

2008-02-19T05:48:00.000-08:00

I went to Bemidji this past weekend to help babysit Kaden while Kelsey had a 4 hour job interview to be the RA at her dorm! Kaden and I went out to Gigi and Papa's place (that's great-grandma and great-grandpa to Kaden). The weather was a balmy 38 degrees so Papa decided he wanted to take Kaden out on the 4-wheeler. Notice the boy has no boots, but I did manage to find a suitable hat and scarf (both ones that I wore as a kid - sheesh my parents never throw anything away!).

I expected Papa to take him for about 5 minutes, just down the road. Well 15 minutes went by and I was pretty worried by then - but I'm known to be a nervous nelly anyway when it comes to my offspring's safety! But, when the phone rang I knew it wasn't likely to be good.

Gigi answered the phone. I hear "stuck?" and "on the lake?!" and my mind went numb thinking of all the horrible things that could ensue. Mom hung up, called a neighbor down the street whose husband was out ice fishing, but were unable to reach him. So, we got our boots on and were determined to go on our own rescue mission. Now, mind you, my mom just had major surgery less than 2 weeks prior to this, and I am such a gimp with my hip problems that neither of us were going to be able to do what we thought needed to be done.

Then, a blessing befell us, Papa and Kaden came riding up on the 4-wheeler, safe and sound. Apparently the reason we were unable to reach the husband of the neighbor was that he was already out there helping my dad! WHEW! Crisis averted!

The rest of the weekend was great. Kaden got his first haircut - at 21 months old! The funny thing about small towns is that no matter how long you've been gone (I moved away from there in 1983) - there's always someone there that you'll bump into from your childhood. This weekend it was Alice Mason who cut Kadens hair. She was in my graduating class. I recognized her right away - she hasn't changed much - but I couldn't remember her last name until I asked her! She remembered me too. How scary is that?!

And then there was the adventure at McDonalds the morning I left. They have a wonderful little play area there that Kaden loves, but he's NEVER gone down the slide portion - until this morning. I don't know who was more excited that he actually did it - he or his mom!? I captured
it for posterity:

I can't think of a better way to spend a weekend, can you???

Yes, Mom, I'm a virgin!!!

2008-02-14T11:06:00.000-08:00

The darndest thing happened this morning, and I'm not sure if I should be happy or freaked out!
I was in my bathroom getting ready and in the area below me (where my daughter Kaitlyn "lives") I heard a "THUUUUUD!" I didn't think much of it, I thought it was just her slamming a door louder than normal on her way up the stairs. Well, it was her, but not in her normal state. She came into the bathroom white as a sheet, dripping in sweat, with a bloody nose and fat lip. She was crying and very upset.

Now, you have to know Kaitlyn - she's 15 and an amazing kid. I have been so blessed to be her mom, but she does have one flaw that we have openly talked about - she has a penchant for the dramatics, i.e. she can be somewhat of a hyperchondriac at times. So, when she came in the door and said she had passed out, I thought to myself: "What story am I going to hear?"

But then, I looked at her. What a sight. This was not hypochondria, this was real. She looked disheveled and battered. Here's roughly how the conversation went:

Me: Oh, honey, what happened?

Her: I passed out and hit my mouth on the floor.

Me: What caused you to pass out?

Her: I was putting a tampon in.

Me: (looking completely shocked like a toad blinking in a hailstorm) You passed out from that? Is that even possible? Never mind, don't answer that - I can see that it is. Is this the first time you've tried to use one?

Her: This is the fourth time. I got lightheaded the other three times but didn't pass out.

Me: (Cautiously laughing) Well, I guess now I know you are a virgin!

My Husband: (Laughing loudly) And I guess she'll stay that way for a long time! HA HA

Her: I TOLD YOU I WAS A VIRGIN!

Me: Yeah - and that's what Kelsey (her older sister who got pregnant at 16) told me too! But, I believe you! How could I not after that episode?

Maybe she was using the super duper giant deluxe version - like those in this picture:

So, you tell me, besides the witty repartee (or not), is this normal? She does faint any time she has to have blood drawn, and gets quesy even at a flu shot. They call it vasovagal response. Is it really possible to have vasovagal upon insertion of a tampon??? WOW! Maybe she's doomed to a life of maxi pads and celebacy? At 15, that's not looking so bad - I guess I'll take my blessings where they come!

Life lessons

2008-02-10T15:56:00.000-08:00

After a crazy week at work and my mom being in the hospital down here at Mayo Clinic, I ended the week on an up-note. Saturday night was the night of our big Italian feast. We do it every year as a part of a fundraising event at our church - a service auction. The prep for this annual feast is a savory trip to our favorite Italian eatery and grocery store to get the best groceries we can - Cossetta's in St. Paul - a fabulous place!

I had to good fortune to use the opportunity to connect with my old friend Ahna and her family while there. Not to say she's old...nay...she's younger than I by a year or so, but looks at least 5-10 years younger. Yes, I'm jealous. I don't know how she can look so much younger than me, it's disgusting. Really. Yes, I'm jealous. BUT, it's a good jealous. You know the type - the kind of jealous where you're happy for them, and not mad at them!

I have one other secret jealousy that I must confess because its timely and on my mind, albeit a painful confession. Ahna has an amazing relationship with her brother. Their relationship is one of mutual respect and deep love. Of this I am profoundly envious, but as before, I am also profoundly happy for her. Some of you know of my non-existent relationship with my brother. It's been a difficult journey, one on which I’ve spent many hours pondering. The end result is that after my last run-in with him a couple years ago, I decided that I wanted no further relationship with him.

After years and years of his verbal abuse, I rejected his arrogant, self-righteous, condescending ways. I made the decision to have nothing further to do with him. It was a painful, yet obvious, choice. It was like a cancer that only I had the power to cure. But much like an amputee feels phantom pains, I still feel the pain of loss, the pain of my failure, and the pain of the lingering and unresolved anger toward him.

Like those phantom pains, they resurface every now and then, especially when I'm with a friend who can take such joyous pleasure in their sibling relationship. Introspectively I question why some of us can develop such deep bonds of love with our siblings, and yet others of us are doomed to failure.

It's a question I will probably never be able to answer, but an interesting string of events this weekend has helped me come to a closure, of sorts, that I didn't think I would experience. While my parents were here this last week they had me work on their laptop computer because it wasn't working well. I brought the laptop with me on the way to Cosetta's, and on the way out the door I asked my dad if I could delete some of their email (there was stuff in there from 2001!). With his permission, I was cleaning it out and happened upon an email from my brother to my parents with a subject line of "Julia's Travel Plans." Normally I wouldn't bother reading any of their emails, but I must confess that this one I did open and read.

What I read shocked me. The condescending tone that I thought was only reserved for my abuse, was right there in black and white, hurled through cyberspace right at my parents! I couldn't believe what I read, sadder yet, I couldn't believe how self-absorbed he was. As inflammatory as his note was, all I could feel was extreme sadness for his person and his spirit. This note was all about him and how he was wronged by me due to my selection of travel dates for our recent trip to Maui. I had absolutely no idea there was an issue, and yet there he was embarrassingly redressing and scolding his parents about how much it was going to cost him to attempt to reschedule his trip to Maui so as not to be on the island at the same time as me. Nothing he said was rooted in reality. It was frightening, really, to read it and realize how misguided and incorrect he truly was.

I cried. Not because the words hurt me, they didn't. He doesn't have that power over me any longer. I cried because I can't think of anything more pathetic. I was saddened at how superficial and hurtful this person I once deeply adored and loved had become.

Over the last decade I have done a lot of soul searching and growth, and my experiences with my brother are at the center of much of that growth. I know he was put in my life for me to learn from the challenges he presented. And I know I failed one of my life-lessons in that I was unable to repair my relationship with him. But from this struggle I have learned the value of relationships. I have learned to treasure those people in my life and treat them with dignity and respect. I strive for that everyday in my work life, in my personal life, in my church and community. I don't always succeed, but I always try! And as much as it's hard for me to say, I have my fractured relationship with my brother to thank for teaching me the value and fragility of our human relationships.

I have ruminated about this all weekend, and have also realized that I have failed my parents and must set it right. They never mentioned any of this to me, I'm sure to protect me. But in a heartbeat I would have stayed home and not gone to Maui if I had known the pain it would cause them for me to go. It's time for them to trust me to do the right thing and let me show them my love. I don't care about anything but my relationship with them. I don't care about their property or my inheritance, Ben can have it all. All I want is to love my parents and care for them in their last days as they cared for me in my first days on earth.

If my brother were reading this, he'd dismissively call me melodramatic. It would be his way of diminishing my introspection and my truth-seeking. I believe, however, that he is threatened by my honesty, my emotion, my quest for a more meaningful life and spiritual growth through honest self-assessment. That's ok, his antics bother me no more. I have a rich, full, and meaningful life.

So, to all of you out there who have fragile relationships - stop. Stop now and appreciate what you have. Appreciate those in your life who love you. And for those of you who already have what I have lost, revel and relish in it, and let me revel vicariously with you. Oh, and Ahna, hug that wonderful brother of yours for me on your journey to California this week and I'll feel it all the way back here in Rochester, and thank you for welcoming me into your life! I feel truly blessed by our friendship.

There is Hope...

2008-01-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

I love to follow politics. I'm not all that smart at it, and don't have the memory for the historical politics that my husband has, but I do really love to follow the current politics. This year has been exceptional for people like me. There's a convergence of some truly amazing things happening this year and I find it very exciting.

But it's not all excitement. At times, it forces you to take a hard look at who we are as a country and what I see isn't always palatable. Case in point last week I was reading about some pre SC primary polling that showed an enormous amount of blacks intended to vote for Obama, and a similarly skewed percentage of whites intended to vote for Clinton or Edwards. I was disheartened. Just days past our country's observance of the great MLK, I was saddened to hear this data and realize that the divide between the races is still deep. It angered me. When will people realize that we are all human, and the color of our skin matters not? We all matter. We all have gifts to offer. Will we ever have equality? I have always hoped so and worked towards that end, but after seeing these polling numbers I began to question whether we'd ever see it, and felt certain I'd never see it in my lifetime.

Today, however, I discovered there is hope, and it's hiding deep within the exit polling numbers I read this weekend at http://election.cbsnews.com/campaign2008/exitPoll.shtml?state=SC&race=P&jurisdiction=0&party=D. If you dig way down into the "Age by Race" grid you'll see it. It's there. Hope lives. What I see there is that the younger generation is more color blind than the older ones. 52% of the non-black 18-29 year olds voted for Obama! Compare that with 15% over 60 yrs old who voted for Obama, and even in my generation a measly 25% voted for Obama.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm an Obama fan - I don't really know who I will caucus for. But, as I told my husband the other day, it doesn't really matter to me now that my candidate Richardson is out of the race, I'll vote for whoever the democrat nominee turns out to be. But I am so heartened to see that maybe the younger generation, my kids' generation, will finally make some changes in this country. There is hope!

Update...

2008-01-20T17:21:00.001-08:00

Last year I told you all about my recent issues with my "good" hip - see story here. I just wanted to update everyone about it.

Since I wrote that blog, the saga has continued. That cortisone shot didn't do much good for me. It was intended to address bursitis. I told my Doc that it was bone pain I was feeling, but they didn't see any bone-on-bone action happening in my hip so they decided to treat the other pain that is more obvious to them - tendinitis. They can tell I have that because it smarts when they poke their finger into my hip muscle. But, the cortisone shot did little for me.

The next week, then, they tried a steroid shot into the muscle area where the tendinitis is. It didn't do much for me either.

Then I went to see Dr. Morrey about a month later. He also said he didn't see any bone-on-bone stuff going on, but wanted to investigate further, so he sent me for a bone scan. I've had them before, they are painless so I wasn't freaked out about it, but I had forgotten about the stuff they have to inject into you three hours before the procedure. As usual, it took them three sticks before they could inject me - that was lovely.

A week after the scan my doc called and said they wanted to do a hip study where they would attempt to withdraw some of the fluid from my hip area to study for infection and such, and then inject me with steroid and anesthetic there in the socket area. I won't go into the dismal details, suffice it to say - I had the same reaction before - out cold. It wasn't fun. And, they were unable to get any of the fluid out either.

However, I got up from that procedure and was able to walk - almost skip - out of there. Had I mentioned I had been using crutches for the week before the procedure? Yeah, it was that good.

So, I've had some relief, now the pain I feel is mostly the tendinitis which is pretty awful at times, but that deep bone pain has lessened considerably.

This past Monday I had an appt with my doc. He showed me the results of my bone scan - there was significant uptake of the stuff they injected which means there is something going on in the bone even though the x-rays don't show it. He said upon closer examination of my hip he can detect a deformity on that side that is similar to what happened to my left side, but to a much lesser degree.

Bottom line: I can do the cortisone shots up to once a year, and once they no longer last me that one year I will have to have it replaced. Not the best news but, and I know this sounds cliche', there are so many people so much worse off than I. I know a family who put their 19 year old daughter in home hospice care this last week...things could be so much worse. We all have challenges, and this is simply mine. But that doesn't get you all out of sending me flowers and cards and chocolates and visiting me when I finally do have the surgery...I have to get something out of this, right???

Politics and Bullshit

2008-01-18T06:11:00.000-08:00

This about sums it up for me. Thought you'd all enjoy:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/poll_bullshit_is_most_important

Unfortunately, it's sad but true...

Validation

2008-01-15T17:50:00.000-08:00

I was all set to rant about the Michigan primaries today when something more profound occur ed today upon which I wanted to take some time to reflect. We all have those pivotal points in our life where we have to make a major life decision. You know the ones I'm talking about, they have major downline consequences, they're difficult (if not impossible at times) to make, and you hate being in the situation that has cause the need for the decision.

Regrets? I've had a few. Actually, at age 44 I probably have more than Frank Sinatra did when he sang it (but we know he's not the one who actually wrote the song!). Hindsight is a cruel thing at times, but I guess it's how we learn. It's how we grow. When I'm getting down on myself I often review those pivotal decisions and imagine how my life would be different if only...

If only I hadn't married my first husband at the tender age of 19 (mostly to spite my parents). If only I had taken my parents offer for the ivy league education. If only I had continued on to the Ph.D. program instead of changing career paths. If only, if only. I could "if only" myself to death!

I recently saw the movie Charlie Wilson's War. The movie is all about the real life story of how we (the USA) secretly funded the Freedom Fighters in Afghanistan against the Russians, but in hindsight we can see now that it laid the groundwork for the Taliban, and we all know the downline consequences of that action. In an interview with the real Charlie Wilson, the interviewer asked if he regretted his actions in that effort considering what happened on 9/11. Charlie answered by saying absolutely not, it was the right thing to do at the time.

I have, however, never regretted having my children. I have, certainly, regretted various and sundry decisions I've made in my parenting, but I know I'm not alone in that and I can honestly say I always tried to do right by them, even at my expense. That's what a mom's supposed to do, but it's usually a thankless job.

Today, however, I experienced some validation for a decision I made about a decade ago. In 1997, my girl's father and I were divorced. It wasn't something I wanted. I was angry. I was hurt. I suddenly knew and understood why people who divorced had ugly relationships - the anger gets in the way. I was faced with a decision back then about how to interact with my ex. Would I take the road so many before me had taken and be vengeful and spiteful? It would have been so soothing to my person. But, I knew it was not the best thing for my girls. I decided that I had to "make nice" with him. I had to try and have a positive relationship with him, for their sake.

I knew it wouldn't be easy. But I never dreamed the "making nice" would evolve into a genuine relationship. Once the anger subsides and you move on - the healing takes over. Mark now lives in Australia, working for 3M there. The girls haven't seen him since last fall, and he flew into town tonight.

Here's where I got my warm fuzzy tonight. Both girls were so excited to see him. They have missed him and couldn't wait to surprise him at the airport. I am not taking credit for their relationship with their dad, he has a lot to do with that. But what hit me tonight was that they feel comfortable sharing their joy and excitement with me. They don't feel the need (as I've seen in other families) to protect me and not share this moment with me. In hindsight I can see that my attitude towards him and actions in how we dealt with the divorce was the right decision. In the midst of all those "if onlys" it's so nice to look back on one decision that had a positive impact downline, one that I can be proud of. And, as Charlie Wilson said - it was the right thing to do!

Paradise Lost...Stomach Flu Found!

2008-01-09T05:50:00.000-08:00

The hard reality of coming home hit us this week. As I have been longing to return to glorious Maui, I was snapped back to reality when at 3am on Monday morning, Kaitlyn came to me and said she was throwing up. Great! Just what I need! Isn't it enough that I am having a hard time with the re-entry into daily life, but now I have to deal with the stomach flu? And who would get it? How bad would it be? How long would it last? These are the things I HATE HATE HATE about Minnesota winters.

They say it happens because we close up our windows and doors and breathe a lot of re-circulated air. If that's the case, can't "they" find a way that we can live in sub-zero temperatures and have the windows wide open? Lets freeze those damn viruses right out of our bodies! I'm on a mission now...there has to be a solution. somewhere. someday...

Of course, my Tasmanian She-Devil (Kelsey) got it too, and then I had a touch of it as well. But none of us had it as badly as Kaitlyn, poor thing!

I guess I have to look on the bright side. I started weight watchers last September and had lost 24 pounds prior to the holidays. Then we went on that wonderful trip to Maui and I gained 3 pounds! I guess I have to thank Mr. Virus, because this morning my scale was back to my pre-Maui weight. Thank you Mr. Virus, but if you don't mind - I'd prefer to lose it the hard way next time!

Day Eight and Nine - Headed Home

2007-12-29T08:07:00.000-08:00

We got up the morning of our last day to begs from Kelsey to take her back to the beach so she could jump the rock again - and this time bring the camera! Our flights didn't leave until evening, so we decided to grant her her wish! We packed everything up, checked out of the hotel, and then desended upon Gigi and Papa's condo where we would squat until it was time to leave for the airport. Chris took the girls to the beach to go jump off the cliff, and I took Kaden to the pool. Here's the proof that both Kelsey and Kaitlyn jumped!

Here's Kelsey jumping first, then Kaitlyn:

Then it was off to the airport. Chris and Julia's flight was at 6pm, ours was at 8:30pm. We had to fly to Kona, then to Seattle, then to Minneapolis. The section from Maui to Kona (on the Big Island) was a nightmare. Kaden did not want to be back on the plane and he screamed for the entire 45 minute flight! Then we sat inthe plane for an hour until we finally departed to Seattle. Kaden finally fell asleep and the rest of the journey was tolerable. We arrived in Seattle at 6am (Seattle time) and departed for MSP at 7am, although the flight was a little late in taking off. It was also late in landing - they had us in a holding pattern over MSP for nearly an hour. We finally landed - and this is Kaden's favorite part! He sat on my lap and squealed "Weeeeee Weeeeee" over and over as we descended.

Once on the ground, we connected with Chris who had just landed as well. His flight was supposed to get in at 9am, and he was supposed to have the car ready and warm for us :) Well, his flight to MSP was canceled, so he fortunately got on the next one out from Dallas.

The last bit of drama was that Kaitlyn discovered she had left her cell phone (or as she calls it, her tumor) on the plane. This was, of course, AFTER we'd left the secured area and were in baggage claim. So, she had to go through security again and run back to the gate, where they mercifully had her phone. All was right in her world finally. We all finally got home about 4pm, exhausted, but happy for the chance to do this trip and spend this special time with my parents.

Day Seven - To Hana or not to Hana...that is the question

2007-12-28T18:21:00.000-08:00

Day Seven - we decided to venture on the road to Hana, a journey for only the brave and stong stomached! You see - the trek is not about Hana, it's about the getting there. It's a winding switchback road, often just one lane wide, but it is a beautiful drive full of waterfalls and other surprises.

We got up very early because we had to be out of our condo on this day so we drove to Kihei where we would spend our last night in a hotel. We were able to get one of our two rooms and thus unload our luggage there. Then it was off to Hana.

The roads are treacherous in some areas - especially on this day due to rain and cloudy conditions:

We stopped along the way to sample the ponds and waterfalls of this beautiful area:

We finally made it to Wainapapa Beach - which is the main black sand beach on Maui. It's an impressive site. The waves were strong and towering. The water was impossibly blue, even without the sun shining! The black sand was coarse and gritty - felt like walking on sand paper. But it was beautiful:

Until we saw that there was Man-of-War on the beach. I wanted to leave then, but the girls wanted to stay and risk it. Fortunately they didn't get stung, but as we were showering a teenage girl came up from the beach sobbing from the horrible pain of a sting. Then everyone realized how lucky we got! Here's a picture of the Man-of-War!

To answer the question about to go to Hana or not. We chose not. The journey is really about getting there, and I've been to Hana and there's really nothing to do there. So, once done at the beach, we turned around and got to the hotel about 5pm and crashed, we were all exhausted!

Day Six - Kelsey's Big Christmas Adventure

2007-12-25T22:52:00.000-08:00

So, what does one do on Christmas Day in Maui? Well, if your name is Kelsey, you go jump off a cliff!

It doesn't feel much like Christmas Day today - I've tried to listen to the Nine Lessons and Carols, and other Christmas goodies, but to no avail. I just can't get the feel of Christmas without snow. It's much too tropical here to feel like Christmas.

So, this morning we decided to go to the beach again. Beautiful Ka'anipali Beach. There is a huge protrusion of Lava rock at the north end of this beach, and there were people climbing it and jumping. It's about a 30 foot jump. Kelsey and I decided to swim down there and watch people jump. Here's a picture from afar of the rock formation, and a little more upclose one with people jumping:

Once we got down there, Kelsey decided she had to do it. Much to my dismay, I didn't have my camera with me, but I am her witness that she indeed did do it! I had horrible images of her falling to her death as she climbed, but she eventually made it up there and took the leap. She said it was one of the best things she's done. She wanted to go again, but we needed to get back and get Kaden home for a nap! And I had a Christmas Dinner of standing rib roast, yorkshire pudding, twice baked potatoes, and flan to make for dinner with my parents! Here's some picture of that fun.

Tomorrow's adventure? The Road to Hana (with a toddler!). We must be crazy, but we'll find a way to make it fun as we always do. It's our last full day here tomorrow - then it's off to home!

Day Five - Thar She Blows

2007-12-25T22:31:00.000-08:00

Day five was a mixed bag. We spent the morning swimming in Gigi and Papa's pool - what fun that was. It rained on us while we were in the pool, all the while the sun was shining. Weird weather here!

Later that afternoon, however, was the big event for the day - we went on a whale watching trip. What an adventure that was. We all boarded the large catamaran and headed towards the island of Lani'i - about 5 miles off of Maui. I have a tendancy to get sea sick, so I had the forethought to take some dramamine, and Kelsey took some too. All I can say is THANK GOD that we did! The waters were so choppy and rocky that even with the dramamine, Kelsey and I still got nauseated. Kaden was a trooper, although the beauty of the place escaped him!

Poor Kaitlyn and Julia - I guess I should have given them some dramamine, but they both said they never get motion sick and wouldn't need it. They were wrong. Dead wrong. Kaitlyn, however, went to the restroom and vomited and felt much better.

We did, however, have a fantastic amount of whales to view. It was like "whale soup" one person said! The guides kept gushing about how amazing this trip was. It was the best all year. We saw behaviour that you rarely see, etc, etc. I was so busy focusing on the shoreline to keep my stomach from turning inside out that I am afraid I missed much of it. But, we did see A LOT of whales. It really was amazing, I just wish I had a seaman's stomach! Here's a coulple of the better pictures we got.

Day Four - Boogers and Sand...

2007-12-24T11:04:00.000-08:00

Boogers make an excellent media for holding the sand against your face, at least that's what we discovered with Kaden at the beach today. We went to Ka'anipali Beach today, arguably one of the most famous and beautiful beaches in the world. We had a fantastic time. Here's some pictures of that adventure:

Once finished - we came home and crashed in front of the tv to watch the Vikings get slaughtered by the Redskins. In fact, it was so painful we left early to go to a movie - leaving Kelsey and Kaden behind.

I only had general directions to the theatre in Kahalui - about 45 minute drive from where we are, but to our girls, Kaitlyn and Julia, a small price to pay to see Johnny Depp in anything! Yes, we were headed to see the new Sweeney Todd movie. However, once we got to the theartre we discovered it wasn't playing there. No. Not there. Maybe at the theatre down the road, she said, at Maui Mall. What the heck?!!! So, with 10 minutes to showtime we decided instead to see National Treasure 2. It was ok. But - we wanted to see Johnny! So - we opted for a double feature! Yes, I'm 44 and CRAZY like a teenager! But you know what? It was worth it. Kelsey and I saw Sweeney Todd on Broadway 2 years ago - and I can't believe I'm going to say this, but the movie was better! We got back here at 1am and crashed. In that respect - I'm not so much like a teenager. I NEED my 8 hours of sleep, everyday! Tomorrow is going to be impossible!

Day Three-Rainbows and Hula Girls

2007-12-23T17:29:00.000-08:00

Day three in paradise brought more interesting adventures. First thing when we awoke was this beautiful rainbow right off our lanai. Although this picture doesn't show it, you could see both ends of the rainbow from our lanai.

We went to Gigi and Papa's condo in the morning to swim in their gargantuan heated swimming pool. We have a pool here at our condo, but it's not heated and we have found its just too cold unless it's in the middle of the afternoon heat. Grandpa Chris taught Kaden how to hold his breath and go under water. Mama freaked out. But she eventually thought it was a pretty cool thing!

We spent most of the day after that shopping in Lahaina. The girls got henna tatoo's:

and I purchased my parent's anniversary gift in a gallery in Lahaina. It's a glass sculpture made by an up and coming artist from the Big Island. I thought it would be a nice remembrabce of their month here in Maui.

Finally, we went to a real Lu'au in celebration of their anniversary.

First, we walked around the Lu'au grounds, but if you're a teenager of course you go nowhere without your cell phones! God forbid you should miss a text message or something!!!

Then, while it was still light, we had mom and dad open their anniversary gift. I think they liked it....

And then it happened! I caught one of those rare moments on film! Yes, that's right girls, the fire can still burn at 70+! Both of my girls shrieked in horror saying they had never seen grandma and grandpa kiss before. Well, maybe it happens once every 50 years!

And then - they pulled the pig out of the ground where it had been cooking all day. The girls went to snap this picture, and they all came back nauseated!

I was a little nervous about Kaden

but he proved to be just like all the rest of the male population when skinny, barely clad women come out and start shaking their hips - mesmerized.

Ok, well, maybe it was the loud music with all the cool drums! Here's some pictures and a movie of that adventure:

Day Two - Lesson Learned: ASK FIRST

2007-12-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

It's ridiculously expensive here, and I know this! I've traveled here many many times before so of all people, I should know this! Call it a temporary lapse in judgement, or maybe it was just that my brain couldn't function in the heat and humidity. I took Kaitlyn and Julia and Kaden down to the "old town" part of Lahaina. It's one of the trendy touristy places to go. There are several art galleries down there and I wanted to find something special for my parents that would remind them of this trip as an anniversary gift. This is where, for those of you who've been to my house, I purchased my beautiful "cubist face" that hangs over my fireplace. Here's a picture of that.

Anyway - back to the story. We were hot and had been walking up and down the street and saw a small family with these really cool drinks in plastic pineapple shaped cups. We finally found out that they came from the restaurant "Cheeseburger in Paradise" so we hoofed it over there. The gal behind the counter looked like, as my colleague Brad would say, a toad blinking in a hail storm. Lets just say customer service was not her forte. I asked her about the cool cups we'd seen, and she looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. Then I spied one on her counter and pointed to them. I told her we wanted them with some sort of foo-foo drink with pineapple - more blank stares. After trying to explain what a foo-foo drink was, mercilessly the bartender overheard me and told her what to ring up. Finally - our need for tropical drinks would be met!

However, I about had a heart attack when she rang it up! Oh My God! I could feed a dozen people at McDonalds for what I just paid for these three drinks: $37.98! Moral of the story - ASK FIRST, THEN PURCHASE!

The rest of the day was a day of acclimation. We frolicked in the ocean and pool. Chris and Julia and Kelsey went on the sunrise bike tour of Haleakala (Kaitlyn wasn't feeling well so stayed behind with me). They had a wonderful time and said it was worth getting up at 2:30am and being sleep deprived. Basically, they get hauled up to the top of the crater, to 10,000 feet, and watch the sunrise. Then they bike down the mountain. The whole thing takes several hours. They got back here to our condo about noon. Here are some pictures:

As I sit here here typing this, the three girls are all sitting on the couch watching Cars. We all got up about 6am this morning.

And I would be remiss if I didn't share at least one picture of what we see off of our Lanai - I just took this, it's as the sun is rising behind us. I'll post better pictures later with the sun shining :)

Kaden's Big Adventure....or....Nonna's Big Nightmare?

2007-12-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

Day one of our adventure to Maui

Kaden's first plane ride

For those of you who don't know it, our whole family is spending Christmas in Maui this year for my parent's 50th anniversary. That includes my daughters, Kelsey and Kaitlyn, my step-daughter Julia, and grandson Kaden, (and of course my husband Chris!).

We left snowy Rochester, MN, in the afternoon on 12/19. Chris flew to Dallas to rendezvous with Julia and Kaden, the girls, and I checked into our hotel in MSP, and frolicked in the pool after eating dinner at one of our favorite places in the cities - Cossetta's!

I had a terrible time sleeping - anxiety I guess - so my day started at 4:50am when I decided it was futile to lay there trying to sleep. Once we all got up and packed, Kelsey realized she had forgotten her drivers license! We all had a small panic attack. She didn't know where it was, but it's likely in Rochester still! Plan B was that Kaitlyn and I would fly on with Kaden and she would have to meet up with us the next day. Fortunately, the TSA isn't all that observant and I guess they just assumed all three of them were my kids. They never once asked for ID from Kelsey.

So - onto the plane we went. Kaden slept most of the way on Tanta Nina (that's Kaitlyn). Here's pretty much how it looked from my vantage point in the window seat:

We arrived in Seattle at 11am (pacific time). Our flight was scheduled to leave for Maui at 3pm. We weren't thrilled about a 4 hour layover, but being the troopers that my kids are I knew we'd be ok...that was, of course, until they announced a 2 hour delay. UGH! It was a LOOOOOONG six hours in the airport, and the terminal we were at didn't have much going on!

But - that didn't stop Kaden from making a friend:

We didn't find out his little friends name, but we did find out that although he looked about Kaden's size (we thought maybe he was two), he was actually 3 years old and had only been one pound when he was born. He is Alaskan, was traveling with his mother to St. Louis.

We finally boarded out flight, and took off for Maui. Unfortunately, Kaden had fallen asleep about 1/2 hour before we boarded the flight, so once we got on - he woke up and was not very happy. He tossed around on our laps for about 2 hours. Fortunately, he did finally sleep - and then we did too! What a LONG day and a tiring trip. By the time we finally got to our condo, it was 2am Minnesota time. I don't think I've slept so hard in a very long time...

Come back for my next blog - Chris and the girls got up at 2:30 am to go on a sunrise bike tour down the volcano Haleakala. They have just arrived home and I will post about their experiences and mine today.

Aloha!

The Mother of All Oxymorons

2007-12-15T14:13:00.000-08:00

Fresh it isn't. But that's what they called it! How could they? There should be a law!

What am I ranting about? I'll tell you what I'm ranting about. I've lived in Minnesota most of my life and a large part of that in Northern Minnesota where the Scandinavians rule. But, even up Nort they wouldn't use the word FRESH to describe Lutefisk! I was at my butcher shop today, here in Southern Minnesota, and imagine my horror when I saw a bag of jellied fish labeled "Fresh Lutefisk."

A little lesson: Lutefisk is made by taking dried out fish (read: OLD) and reconstituting it in cold water for a week, then soaking it for a few days in water and lye. Yes lye - that stuff my mom used to clean her silver sparkled linoleum floors and counter tops in the 60's. The "fish" (I use the term lightly at this stage in the process) is then soaked for yet another week in plain water again.

The resulting product is a slimy, gelatinous mass of yuck that these crazy Scandinavians have the nerve to call FRESH! Therefore - I am launching my new campaign: Just Say No to Lutefisk!

Love, Millenial Style

2007-12-14T14:39:00.001-08:00

What a turd! That's all I could think, and I'm afraid I verbalized that to her as well! "The boy" broke my baby's heart last night. Dustin, the new boyfriend that Kaitlyn was head-over-heels-texting-all-the-time with, broke up with her last night.

What bothered me was not that he did, I knew it was coming. It's inevitable at this age. It was her first REAL SERIOUS crush, but it was doomed from the start. He lived in a town about 30 minutes away. They hardly ever saw each other anyway and his parents weren't real keen on the relationship to begin with. It was doomed.

No, what bothered me was HOW he did it. I'm sure you can guess. In this day of technology and all its wonders I'm sure you can figure it out. Yep, that's right! The turd texted her! In my day, it was bad form if one broke up with you over the phone. "You have to do it in person" I was taught in Junior High School. "No, you can't CALL him on the phone and break up with him" my best friend chided at me.

How did we go from that to texting your breakup?

This Millennial Generation has me quite perplexed sometimes. I have done a ton of reading about them. I got turned onto it while completing my MBA because I learned quickly that Gen Y'ers were going to be my challenge - not my bosses who are all baby boomers and will be retired. So, about a year ago I started reading everything I could on the subject. I even have my own Facebook, and indeed this blog, as an attempt to understand the generation that I am raising in my home as well as in my workplace. But, COME ON PEOPLE....TEXTING??? I mean really!!! Stop the madness! How insensitive. How cold.

So, here I am trying to be a sympathetic mother, telling her all the right things like "He didn't deserve you!" and "You don't want to be with a guy who could break up like that anyway" - when it was my husband who later shared some real wisdom with me (which I later shared with her). He said - Well, at least she's going through it now as opposed to waiting until college, like I did, and then being old enough yet stupid enough to marry the first girl I dated. He's right. And when I shared it with her, her real wisdom came through. She said "I know, mom, you have to be willing to risk a broken heart to grow and learn and finally find the right one for you."

That's my profoundly smart and brilliantly beautiful daughter!

Signed...Kaitlyn's very proud Mom

Countdown to Maui...

2007-12-12T14:14:00.000-08:00

One week. One week until I pack my bags for Maui. One week is how long I get to enjoy Maui. Fascinating how the perception of time and the reality of time are not equal! The first one week will be a very long week indeed. The second one week will fly by faster than it takes for my daughter, the Tasmanian She-Devil, to mess up my house - and trust me - that's FAST!

What's the reason, you ask, for our jaunt to the luscious and exotic isle of Maui? My parents' 50th anniversary! For so many years I complained about them getting married two days before Christmas. Finally, it's a good thing. Finally, it's a bonus. Finally, it's a great excuse to leave work at our busiest time of year for both Chris and I on our jobs. It would have been impossible to take the kids out of school for a week in the middle of fall or spring! So-Bravo, Mom and Dad, for your perfectly timed 50th wedding anniversary!

Winter and Music

2007-12-06T06:31:00.000-08:00

What is it about winter and music that they go so well together? I love this time of year for the fresh new snow falls (of which we're gettin a plenty!) and the resurrection of that wonderful genre of music - holiday music!

This year we aren't putting up any decorations, because we'll be in Maui for the week of Christmas to celebrate my parent's 50th wedding anniversary (on Dec 23) Who the heck gets married two days before Christmas???!!! College kids on break I guess! But I digress. With the lack of decorations at my house I was worried I'd have a hard time getting into the holiday spirit, but thanks to Mother Nature and her wonderful timing (yes - there is some sarcasm in that statement), and the multitude of holiday concerts abounding - I am none-the-less getting into the holiday spirit.

On Friday, November 30th, my husband and I took my parents to the St. Olaf Christmas Festival. I have never been, nor have my parents, but we've all seen it on PBS many years now. So, what a treat that I was able to get tickets. My mom was as giddy as a child looking under her pillow to see what the toothfairy left her. I think Dad was equally happy to be there, though he would never show it in that way! The music was outstanding, of course, and our seats were fantabulous (is that a word? well if not, it should be!)

About that time - I came down with a terrible cold, but it hasn't stopped me from enjoying this time of year. On Tuesday, December 4th, the concert I went to was one in which I was playing. I play in the Mayo Chamber Orchestra and it's got to be my favorite thing to do, orchestra-wise. We play in the beautiful St. Mary's Chapel on the Mayo Clinic Campus. It's a beautiful chapel full of Italian Marble.

This is my standpartner, Katy. She is decidedly a better viola player than I and obviously much prettier. In fact, if I'd seen this picture in her camera after her husband snapped it, I would have demanded a DO-OVER! It's a terrible picture of me - but, hey, I was home sick in bed from 10am to 5pm that night - so I do have a terrible case of bed head! But, Katy and I had fun and I even taught her a new musical term called Fake-issimo! It's best accomplished when the trumpets are blaring so loud that no one can hear all the wrong notes you are playing, but I am a master at it even when the trumpets are silent.

So - that's it from snowy southeastern Minnesota for today. We're due for another 4 inches of snow today - what fun. Give me about a month, and I'll be cursing about it all!

Hugs and love to you all this holiday season.

In remembrance of a special lady...

2007-11-27T11:24:00.001-08:00

She was about as special as they come. A more kind and gentle soul you could not find. Oh, that smile...like the Cheshire cat, she always had a wonderfully beautiful grin showing her pearly whites.

And how fitting, seeing as how she was the quintessential "cat lady" - always picking up strays. Imagine her surprise when the last one, Blue, bonded to her husband more than she.

When they moved from beautiful Santa Barbara to live in a nursing home near family in Colorado - they wouldn't go unless Blue could come with. And so he did.

There, Blue kept vigil over my uncle Charles until he passed away peacefully in January of 2006. Today I learned that Norma, his wife of many years and one of my most favorite people in the world passed away yesterday.

Our special bond was formed partly because we shared a common medical issue - bad hips! She had had her hips replaced more than once, and from her experiences I learned a lot about how to deal with my own challenges. She taught me the importance of attitude. No matter how much pain she was in, she never showed it. She always kept a positive attitude, and never complained about her mis-fortune. She was an amazing role model - always thankful for the small gifts she did have in life.

The other thing she passed to me is my love of swimming. She used to swim every day! Like her, I love the way I feel in the water. Gravity can't impact you in water the way it does on land. In water I feel strong. In water I forget about the pain I feel everyday. In water, I am at home. Norma taught me that. I remember being fairly young (maybe 12) and visiting them. She took me to her pool every day with her while I was there. I hadn't realized what a gift she gave me in turning me on to the water!

Norma, you were one amazing and fantastic lady. Thank you for everything you gave me. I feel very fortunate that we had the times we did even though I was unable to see you this past year. I have been blessed, and am a better person because I knew you. I will never forget, and will always love, you!

Tradition...

2007-11-25T12:18:00.000-08:00

Tradtion! In highschool, my favorite musical was Fiddler on the Roof, but I never liked the song Tradition much - it felt too much like my stuffy old parents! Maybe it's a sign of age, but now I have a completely different view of that old song. Sadly, now I understand what Tevye was singing about. Over the last several years here in Rochester, we have been developing a thanksgiving tradition of which I've grown very fond and I hope it can continue.

About 5 years ago I befriended a young couple that had just moved here from Georgia. Doug was then unemployed, and Sun-He (we call her Sunny) was just starting in a pharmacological research program at Mayo. Yes - she's super smart! I met Doug in orchestra - we were stand partners (on the violin) in the Mayo Chamber Orchestra that year. I felt motherly towards them and invited them to Thanksgiving dinner.

I had also invited an old friend from high school that I had recently reconnected with (Tim) and his partner (Russ). The last wayward soul I had invited that year was yet another friend, and fellow violist I knew from church. All guests, except Russ and my husband, were musicians, so I thought it would be fun to have them bring their instruments and we could "jam" after dinner. And jam we did. What a riot! Doug and Sunny on the violin, John and I on the viola, and Tim on his bassoon!

This year was the same crowd - we've done it all but one of the years since the first one. However, this year my step-daughter joined us on the violin and my daughter on the cello. We ate, we played, we ate some more.

John and I on the Viola

The Violin secion, from left to right are Sun-He, Doug, and my step-daughter Julia

And the "cello" section - my daughter Kaitlyn, and old friend Tim.

Tim, having just started a new job in the music department at St. Olaf was able to bring some fantastic music and we played until the kids begged us for mercy to quit!!! What a night - and a tradition I hope we can keep going for as long as possible.

In a way, it reminds me of the years and years of Thanksgivings we had as a child. My parents, and many of their friends, were all transplants to this tiny northern Minnesota town, and so every year we would gather with the same group of friends for Thanksgiving dinner. It was the Keston's, the Kelly's, the Brandviks, and us the Gallaghers. Although they didn't do a mini concert after dinner, they were all musicians or artists and thus was a similar feel. Those were great days for which I am very thankful, and I look forward to the future traditions we create in this wonderful life!

One more photo I must leave you with - my precious grandson (and me). They've only just left a couple of hours ago, and yet I miss them so...

2007-11-21T05:48:00.000-08:00

I felt like a school girl anticipating her first kiss last night. We went to dinner - awaiting the arrival of my firstborn, the tasmanian she-devil, Kelsey - nearly 19 now! As much as I was looking forward to seeing her, it was the little package she brought with that I most anticipated. No, it wasn't the birthday present she brought - although it ranks a close second - it was that most precious of all babies - my grandson!

Isn't he the cutest most adorable little thing you've ever seen? Ok...I'm biased...but I had to share with you what I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving season and that is FAMILY! I have a wonderful family, incredible children, and loving friends. What more can a person ask for in life? I think i've hit the lottery of life to be so blessed. I hope you all enjoy your holiday feast with your friends and families!

2007-11-20T04:39:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine from FL came visiting last weekend and asked how my hip was doing. He said I hadn't posted to my blog about it in a while. I was floored! My blog??? You read my blog??? I didn't think anyone was reading - hence my scant writtings of late. I know of one friend who reads and posts comments - but was shocked to find others are "secretly" reading it! :)

It warmed my heart...or was it the second martini I was drinking that was warming it? Well even if it was, I will go with it and assume the world is reading! (What an ego, huh?)

So - wish me a happy birthday - ok a belated birthday - it was yesterday! I meant to post a birthday poem to myself yesterday, but got so swept up in all the emotion of turning another year younger that I couldn't bring myself to the computer.

For those of us that have Novemember birthdays...do you find there's a LOT of us??? Seems everytime November pops around I'm learning of more and more people with November birthdays. Maybe it's just a person-centric thing, but seems there's lots of people born in November. But, then i did the math...and you know what is 9 monts prior to my birthday? Valentines Day! I guess my parents were romantics...at least in their youth!

And for more fun about your birthday - check this link out http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthDay.asp

So - to all my silent friends - I have lots that's been going on, I'll write more this week, especially since I have a few days off coming up soon! Thanks for reading!

The thin veil

2007-11-04T16:08:00.001-08:00

In church today we celebrated Dia de la Muerta (the day of the dead), the day we remember and celebrate the lives of those who have past in the last year. For those of you who know me well, you know i have this "thing" about death. I don't know how to decribe it really, it's sort of a curiosity boardering on obsession. As I have aged, however, it's not as pronounced as it used to be and I confess I am more comfortable with the thought of dying now than I have been in years past. I think part of that is due, in part, to the feeling that should I cross over now at least my kids are old enough and could move on easier than if it had happened when they were wee ones.

They say that this time of year is when the veil between this world and the next is at its thinnest. I am fascinated by the imagery of this statement, and am curious about the logic behind it. I know, this stuff defies logic - but why this time of year? Why not April or May? What's magical about this time of year(except for the fact that I was born in this month)?

In my friend Ahna's house I think the veil doesn't exist sometimes, given her stories of late. Although I've had a couple of otherworldly experiences myself, I envy her. I envy her in the same way I envy that chick, Allison DuBois, from the show Medium, or John Edward. They seem to have much more control over their skill...I covet that!

In anycase - I appreciate the tradition in our church to recognize and celebrate these souls. I don't know what's on the other side of this life, but I do know that life is an amazing journey, a gift, and I love the tradition of celebrating instead of mourning for these lives that have touched us so.

...by its right name

2007-11-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

This is Christopher Johnson McCandless. His story is told in the newly released movie "Into the Wild" directed by Sean Penn - adapted from the book by the same name.

Last night we went out with some friends to the opening of our newly anointed Cinemagic IndieArt theatre - which is basically one screen in a regular theatre that will be dedicated to art house movies. After the champagne and hor de 'vours provided by local companies, we seated ourselves to view this movie.

So compelling is the story, so philosophical, so tragic - it would be a shame to miss such beautiful storytelling. It's moving in its cinematography, and equally stirring with its music. An amazing story of a man I never met, yet will never forget. After denying his real name and dubbing himself as "Alexander Supertramp", he realizes that everything must be called by its right name - and so signs he - Christopher Johnson McCandless - on his final epitaph. Left behind is a legacy of people who loved him, and a profound wisdom only realized as he lay dying.

If you have an opportunity to see it - you must.

El Dia De Los Muertos

2007-10-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

I know...morbid title, right? In Spanish, it means the Day of the Dead. It is a holiday celebrated primarily in Mexico, but our church has taken to observing it instead of/along with All Souls Day. It's a celebration of those who you've lost in your life.

In preparation for the service that day, our choir director found a perfect piece...haunting piece...He has a real knack for finding just the right piece of music. It's called Mata Del Anima Sola, and it has been haunting me for the last week. Here's a link to a group that did a fairly good rendition of the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbN3AsHhTwE. The tenor solo is luring and haunting. The english transaltion is interesting...and it's had me pondering its meaning all week.

Tree of the soul lonely,
wide opening of the riverside long
now you will be able to say:
Here slept Cantaclaro.

With the whistle and the sting
of the twisting wind,
the dappled and violet dusk
quietly entered the corral.

The night, tired mare,
shakes her mane and black tail
above the riverside;
and, in its silence,
your ghostly heart is filled with awe.

Would love your thoughts on it's meaning...

In the meantime, I also found a somewhat gruesome website. I don't believe this stuff, but found it interesting that the deathclock says I'll be 95 when I die. How weird is it that I've had more than one palm reader/psychic's give me that exact same age... Check out http://www.deathclock.com/.

That's it for me today. I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. It's been a very busy couple of weeks.

She drives me crazy...

2007-10-07T06:49:00.000-07:00

This is my baby.

This is my baby in a car

(note the driver side location)

This is me in the passenger seat:

(Edvard Munch's The Scream)

Yes, my baby has her drivers permit and together we're struggling to learn the new world, our new world.

Am I a bad mom because I don't want to ride with her? And as she pointed out today, what does it mean for my marriage that I am perfectly happy having my husband do all the driver training with her? These have been the questions of the day at our house today.

I finally broke down and told her that i didn't even drive with her older sister until she got her license, so she should be happy that I have taken that step and actually rode with her this weekend...albeit...with my hands firmly gripping the door handle and the center island, and my feet pressed against the floorboard so hard that I feared they'd break through to the road below, looking like a Flinstone car! My heart was pounding, and in honor of my mother, I broke out in song of "Nearer My God to Thee!" This is a long standing tradition in my family - my mother scared the hell out of me the first time she did it to me, and now I get to hand down the tradition.

The reality is - I know she's going to be a good driver...eventually. It's really not her I'm worried about, it's all the other maniacs on the road that scare me! Welcome to semi-adulthood my lovely baby!

Needles to say....

2007-09-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

My life has been full of hospitals, Doctors visits, and major surgery so I'm no stranger to the "patient" view of the healthcare industry, but I've not been a "patient" at Mayo Clinic very often - especially not for serious things as I was today. But as in all things, I find humor in my latest adventure.

I've been having a great deal of pain and trouble with my "good" hip the last several months. I guess I'll have to find something new to name it, because it is being very naughty now. I guess, like every teenager, it had to find its time to rebel. It supported it's lesser sibling, the "bad" hip for years and years.

And when we took the "bad" hip away and brought in a titanium replacement, "good" hip didn't complain. Nay, it bucked up under the pressure of having to support ALL of me - and I am not a small person! It performed beautifully all those 10 years ago. "Good" hip was only 33 at the time of this major test to it's strength and when I made it through a very long and arduous recovery I thought to myself: "Self: You've got one really great hip who is willing to go the extra mile for you. You should be very thankful!" And I was.

But there is one thing I didn't do for "good" that with my 20/20 hindsight vision I can see clearly now. I should have taken better care of it and not assumed it would be there for me for the rest of my life. All relationships are fragile, and extreme care must be administered to ensure their health and happiness, and this relationship I've had with "good" is no different.

Over the past several months, "good" has been giving me the signs of a mid-life crisis, but I ignored them. I wasted 10 years ignoring them and not doing the right thing by "good." So, I went to see an orthopedic doc on Monday. I actually have an appt. with the Dr. who pioneered hip replacements, but that's not until October. This appointment with a different Dr. came about because of an extremely painful episode that left me unable to put any weight on "good" at all.

The nurse told me to remove my pants and put on these ugly little shorts. I complied. So there I am, with a business suit top on, and the ugliest pair of cotton shorts that aren't even the same color. Below that, my knee high nylons and dress shoes. What a sight! The shorts, however, were a size too small. I sat down and rip...the back of the seam ripped. Yes, I'm fat. But to my defense, they were TOOO small and already very worn and frayed. I'm sure I just found the one weak spot in that lousy pair of shorts, right? I spyed the forbidden drawer under the examination table...you know the one...you've always wanted to snoop in those drawers but were afraid to be caught! I was more afraid to be discovered that I was fat and busted a pair of shorts so I dove for the drawer. I rummaged through it, destroying any bit of sterilization they may have had. I checked the sizes on each of them. S. Nope, not me. XS. Definitely not me. XXS? i didn't even know they made people that skinny! Then I found a M. Well, that's a step in the right direction. Did I tell you I was already in an XL? Then I found them, the oversized group. Hiding (or should I say shoved) in the back of the drawer. I felt a flood of relief - which of course was short lived. 4XL. 3XL. What the *&^%??? Who are these giants that fit in these, I thought? I could use it as a pup tent. I could fit both my children and myself in the 5XL I found! Yes, that's right, they make a 5XL. Do you think I could find ONE STINKING XXL?????? This is Mayo Clinic after all, and I work in the fundraising department - I know how much money we have raised for Orthopedics! You think SOMEONE could have stashed one lousy XXL in that drawer? Then it dawned on me - that drawer must be for the mis-fits in our society - there must be another drawer...

Before I had the chance to look - the door opened and there was the Doctor, and the obligatory student in tow. This is a teaching institution, so I've gotten used to having these silent guests in my examinations. Feeling awkward in my very tight shorts (except where my fat was protruding) I sat down on the bench and greeted them. When I sat, however, my feet were 8 inches from the floor! I started to believe this whole room was for mis-fits. As I sat there with the Dr. prodding and poking me, and talking to him about my history I realized how much of it sounded like a mis-fit and I was right where I belonged.

Back to the story of "good." This week I learned that "good" has went from mid-life crisis to full-blown estrangement, and it is very unlikely that our relationship will ever be the same. In fact, this week I learned that "good" wants a divorce. This week I heard the words I never wanted to hear again - "you will have to have your hip replaced soon"...

Soon? What kind of medical terminology is that, I asked? I can't deal with soon. I feel like I just had "bad" replaced and now you're telling me I have to get rid of "good" too? Are you crazy? I'm SOOOOOO not ready for this...I thought "good" would stay with me until I was at least 60.

I think the perceptive old Dr. saw the pain in my eyes...and that's when he suggested that we could try a cortisone injection into the hip to see if that relieve the pain and bought me sometime.

Flash forward to today - 9am. Oh, and did I say I HATE HATE HATE NEEDLES???? I have this thing that is apparently very common called vasal vago response. It means I get the crap scared out of me so much that I faint like a sissy when you stick me!

But for some odd reason, I wasn't feeling a lot of anxiety about this "procedure" as they called it. I was feeling pretty calm. I was laying down, a little nervous maybe, but no sweaty palms, no palpitations, no shortness of breath. I think because I know the pain I've been in is so much worse than one stick with a needle. But maybe it was all their talk while they were prepping about firmness of needles, different gauges, sizes (remember: Teaching Institution) that got me. Or the fact that this was not one needle, but two? The first to numb my leg a bit, the second to deliver the goods. All while they use an ultrasound to guide this 5 inch needle into the inner sanctity of "good."

When the second needle went in - I went out. Out, out, waaaay out. When I came too, they were all hovering - all 6 of them. Teaching institution - six people in a room to do the job it usually takes 2 people to do. Six witnesses to my weakness! Thank God for their ethical boundary that they can't go tell everyone I know about what a baby my physiology is! They were putting cold cloths on my forehead, checking my blood pressure, etc. The nurse said I went "deep" - and boy was she right. I can't remember the last time I have ever fainted that deeply into it, or when I've been so disoriented.

An hour later I hobbled over to my office, but felt so nauseous that I had to lay down. I laid down right there in my office on the carpet that is only ever vacuumed if you vacuum it yourself. And, since I'm always running late from here to there and never even have time to clean the papers on my desk - what would make you think I've ever vacuumed my office? Thank goodness for the once a year shampooing they do - but that was 10 months ago.

I decided that I didn't want to risk what germs were there, and it would be a bit unsightly for someone to come into the Director of MIS's office and seeing her flat on the floor - so I came home. I slept. I ate. I wrote. How cathartic this is.

I have an aunt with whom I've always been close - although I haven't seen her in over a year. But she's been on my mind a lot today. She has had her hips replaced multiple times. I never saw that in her - all I ever knew her to be was warm, and funny, and wonderfully happy all the time. I always knew we shared the hip thing in common - and now I realize that the part of her I want to keep with me is not the sharing of painful things like bad hips, but the wonderful thing she always gave to me - her incredible attitude and kindness. Thank you Aunt Norma for being such a grand role model - if I can deal with "good" only half as well as you handled all of your mis-fortune, I'll be just fine!

And then they were two...

2007-09-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

I have so much to write about this week, I think I'll end up doing it in more than one post. Right now I want to share with you an exhilarating experience I had this week. My next post will be a cruely funny experience.

I joined Mayo Clinic in February. I learned early on that there was a "department summit" held every year. Basically, all employees in our department (across all three locations - MN, FL, AZ) gathered here in Rochester this week for a conference like meeting complete with panel discussions and special speakers. I anticipated it would be much like so many of the conferences I've participated in in the past. For much of it, that is true, but there were some outstanding events and one that I just have to share with you. Our summit officially started out yesterday morning with a breakfast gathering at the Radisson and a "panel" discussion on teamwork. That's the only description they gave us. The chair of our department said he'd like to bring in the panel - part of the team that performed the separation of the conjoined twins, Belle and Abby Carlson. Led by this man, Dr. Moir, the team filed in and took their place in front of us.

You see, this miraculous feat is what makes Mayo Clinic great - its teamwork and collaborative approach is unmatched in the medical industry. They were all so humble and gracious, and although there were 9 on stage, no one person dominated the discussion. Then Dr. Moir said they brought along a couple of guests to join the discussion, and in walks Jesse and Amy carrying their beautiful daughters Belle and Abby (Here's a recent picture):

The entire room stood in a burst of applause and tears, there wasn't a dry eye at my table. What a magical moment to see the true reason why we are all there doing what we're doing. It's to meet the needs of our patients, patients like Belle and Abby, and patients like you and me. There is a reason the mission at Mayo Clinic is unique - it's the only major medical facility in the country whose mission is solely based on the needs of the patient. Quite simply it reads "The needs of the patient come first."

It was cool. It was wonderful. It was humbling.

On my next posting...I'll tell you about my experience as patient as I am getting a cortisone shot in my hip tomorrow morning...

It ain't easy being green...or purple!

2007-09-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

Having been born in Minnesota, being a vikings fan is somewhat compulsory. Worse yet, feeling the pain year in and year out of of never a superbowl win, and nary a chance in hell of getting there again in my lifetime, I find myself questioning why, oh why, do I return for more of this punishment. Each year starts with the excitement of new hope - that this year will be different. But, here we are barely a few weeks into the season and I already know those hopes will be dashed as they are every year.

So I turn my thoughts to other events of the week - and reflect on Yom Kippur - a most sacred holiday for our Jewish friends. At church today our minister spoke of Yom Kippur and the practice of atonement and forgiveness that represents Yom Kippur. We have several Jewish friends in our church, so this is a fitting day to recognize this holiday with them. We had a lovely reading that started out saying: Forgiveness is the by-product of the healing process.

The pain that the Vikings will inevitably inflict upon me this season is most definitely fodder for healing and forgiveness...I only hope that come January I still remember the lessons of Yom Kippur!

Thank you to my loving, welcoming, and supportive friends at my beloved Unitarian Universalist church for helping me deal with the trauma of NFL football!